What catches a politician’s attention even more than drugs? Why, the chance to appear in public pontificating about drugs, that’s what. And that’s how a Member of Parliament got scammed into publicly condemning an imaginary drug.
You can’t make this stuff up. Or—well, yes, somebody did, but I couldn’t. The best I can do is look on in amazement. The human imagination is endless. Not to mention bizarre.
Back in 1997, David Amess, a Conservative MP representing Basildon, filmed a video condemning a drug called Cake. Which does not now and never has existed. That left him so impressed with his own expertise that he got up in Parliament to ask what the government planned to do about the stuff.
Cake was invented—if an imaginary substance can be invented—by a TV show, Brass Eye, which among other things satirized moral panics. You made your point there, folks. It doesn’t take much to start one. The drug was also supposed to give users a bloated neck because they retained water and to distort the user’s perception of time by affecting a part of the brain called Shatner’s bassoon. Now, at that point some of us might feel a slight tug on one leg and think, Someone’s pulling that. We might do a bit of research or plug Shatner’s bassoon into Google or, y’know, ask a relative or neighbor who has some first- (or at least third-) hand knowledge of drugs if they’d ever heard of the stuff. But not the intrepid (I think that should technically be the Hono[u]rable) Mr. Amess. He just got up and condemned it as “a big yellow death bullet” and he mentioned that unhappy users were called custard gannets.
Excuse me for a minute. I’m laughing too hard to type. Custard gannets? Can’t you imagine the scene in the Brass Eye writers’ room where someone says, “Let’s call them custard gannets,” and the only sensible (or at least momentarily sober) person in the room says, “Oh, come on, you can’t call them that. Nobody’ll believe it.” But then the sensible person goes out for a cup of tea or—who knows—a shot of much-needed vodka and they quick put it to a vote and custard gannet it is. And poor Mr. Amess not only believes it, he talks about them on video and in the House of Commons.
Of such stuff are great political careers made.
His great moment came in October 2015 (which is why this admittedly old story re-surfaced), when he has appointed to co-chair a committee to shape the government’s new drug policy—the Bill Committee on Psychoactive Drugs. The bill they were considering has since passed and is expected to be signed by the Queen—also, I’m sure, an expert on drugs—in April. It makes formerly legal highs illegal and has been much criticized for being too broad. The substances that will become illegal include including laughing gas and poppers, and one brave soul got up in the House of Lords to say he uses poppers, which have a reputation for giving the user a sexual rush. A fair number of gay men do use them. I’m not sure how many, but enough that even I know about them, and being female and all I don’t hang out where I assume they’re used. For all I know even—gasp, wheeze—straight people use them. I also have no idea what, if anything, they do for women. Remember, I’m 603 years old and can’t be expected to do first-hand research on the subject. If you want to find out, you’ll have to do your own. What I can say is that sexual chemistry works differently in women than in men, as the makers of Viagra could explain. They’d have a second profitable drug if only it were that simple. So I’m guessing they don’t do much for women, but if I’m wrong do let me know.
Where were we?
The bill is so broad that according to the Independent it may accidentally ban marker pens, some glues, pheromone products, and lots of other fun stuff. It has to specifically exclude a few safe psychoactive substances like alcohol, and tobacco. And caffeine. Mind you, I won’t quibble about excluding caffeine. It’s not good for you but I know for a fact that it’s good for me, especially first thing in the morning, and it needs to stay legal. I don’t like breaking laws before noon. But proving that alcohol or tobacco do less damage than poppers or laughing gas—or cake—is going to take some fancy footwork.
So there you have it. Another great moment in politics. My thanks to P., who sent me the links. Without his high-minded civic action I’d have lived out the rest of my days not knowing how easy it is to start a moral panic. And how much fun.
Only the highly intelligent enter Parliament :)
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Well let us thank all the gods for that. The line of I’m not sure what song comes to mind: “That our future is well guarded/by politically retarded/men of uninpeachable integrity.”
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They had better not ban caffeine!! The world would not survive if I had to go without coffee!!!
Also, it is not that bad for you! Many of the side effects of caffiene are actually beneficial…
Increased alertness (genuinely not just percieved)
Increased fat metabolism
Increased heart and lung function..
OK…it can cause tachycardia in some people (not me, I checked it doesn’t raise my HR at all!)…but then so can exercise and that is not bad for you…after all tachycardia is defined as heart rate over 100bpm!
Ok…it is probably 50:50 good vs bad side effects but still…
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Fifty-fifty isn’t bad. Especially when you compare it to a drug like Cake.
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Hehehe that is true!!
Cake is a real problem!!
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I was living abroad in 97 so I missed this! So great that you shared it. I remember Brass Eye though – it was criticised heavily and taken off air eventually – I remember something about trees being cut down in churchyards because conkers were dangerous and paedophiles could hide behind them.
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A show like that surely didn’t expect to last long. I never saw it, and I’m sure I’d have disliked a good part of it, but the stuff that tickled me, I’m sure, would have been memorable.
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Ok, everything (which isn’t much) I know about poppers is what I read in a novel set in the ’70s that featured an orgy scene. No firsthand experience, and, in fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone who used them, though I’m thinking they probably would not share the circumstances around their experience with me, as I give off a school-marmish prude vibe.
I don’t know if you need to be an expert on a subject in order to have an opinion on it. A lot of experts’ opinions, as history has shown us, turn out to be wrong. So I’m good with the Queen signing off on the law, even if she and Prince Philip haven’t added poppers to their boudoir repertoire (yet).
And because I’m an ignorant American, I had no idea the Queen was involved in any way with law making in the UK, even if it’s just a ceremonial sign off. She can’t refuse to sign anything, can she? I’m guessing that’s her ace in the hole, though–if Parliament ever passed a law abolishing the monarchy, she’d say, “Screw you guys!” and give them all the middle finger.
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I could be wrong, but I’m guessing the queen knows as much about giving people the finger as she does about drugs. And as far as I know, she doesn’t get to not sign the laws. When they abolish the monarchy–as surely they will some one of these centuries–I don’t think it’ll be submitted for her (or his, or whoever’s) approval.
But that only goes to show what I know. Which ain’t much.
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Great writing, especially for a 603 yr. old. ☺ Your irrelevant photo is adorable.
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Why thank you. I’m often told I don’t look my age.
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I’m not going to do the research, but I’m reasonably sure we have laws against things that don’t exist. Irrelevant as your photo might be, the dogs are super cute. Does Minnie come if you sing “ho di ho di ho di ho”? Cause I would absolutely try that if I was ever close enough. Thanks for starting another Friday with a few smiles and a bit of head shaking.
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Minnie gets “Hi de hi di hi di ho” sung to her a lot, as well as “ho de ho de” etc., but it usually happens when she’s already right there. Teaching her to come to that would give her a great party trick.
Any suggestions what we should teach Moose to come to?
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If you can make the connection to Bullwinkle, you could say: “Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat”
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I hate to admit it, but the reference is going over my head (I never watched the show), so I’ll just agree politely and pretend I know what you’re talking about.
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Sorry. It was a running gag between the Moose and Squirrel, usually between segments in the show. Bullwinkle would reach into his hat and pull out some crazy animal. Here’s a link to all four: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRW7pITY5Cg
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More research! First custard gannets, now Rocky and Bullwinkle. This should keep me out of trouble for a while. Thanks.
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You’re only 603, it’s not like you can retire…
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Sigh. Early retirement’s a thing of the past, isn’t it?
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I’m afraid so.
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Custard gannets? I must go and google that. It sounds too good to be true. This all passed me by in 1997 (can’t think what i was doing not to have noticed it – some sort of dodgy chemical I suppose).
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Thanks for suggesting Google, Mick. I just checked custard gannet and found that (a) the Urban Dictionary writes about custard gannets and cake as if they’re real; (b) someone’s on Facebook using that as a name; and (c) Klarky cat has something on YouTube by that title–it’s mostly a repetitious bass line and I got bored. There are, roughly, 39,700 entries but I stopped after three.
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I suspect that I’d have stopped there or thereabouts, too, Ellen.
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The dutiful student who still lurks inside me was tempted to go on, but I beat her senseless.
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Most committee work is boring, boring, boring. You sit in a stuffy room all day, staring at people who stare back and everyone is staring because it is far more interesting than anything anyone has to say… and after years and years of that, you get a plum assignment like this.
It makes it all worthwhile.
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I’d be willing to bet some small sum of real money that they can make even that assignment boring.
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Mmm, cake. We have donuts this morning, which is a bit like cake, but mmm, cake! :P
I don’t think many politicians actually live the way we civilians do. Some of them don’t read, some of them say things like “injecting the pot,” and some of them just do whatever their advisers tell them to do. They seem, at times, horrendously gullible to me. (But then, look where I live — there are moments I don’t know if political reports are real or satire at times.) I can easily understand how the custard gannets came to be, even though it’s ridiculous and hysterical.
I am not inclined to moral panic. Do Americans even experience moral panic?
Food for thought.
Then cake!
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I think Americans do experience moral panic but someone will need to put together an American version of Brass Eye to verify that.
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Just run me over with a lorry and be done with it…
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Sorry, someone else is going to have to do that. I’d miss you.
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I thought it was only the media that invented stories outright, how naive of me to have forgotten politicians! I usually agree with most of your writings, but have a few doubts about the Queen being an expert on drugs too. Oh, and though irrelevant, your doggies look marvellously cudly :)
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The older one’s easier to cuddle. The pup moves so fast that we have to wait for him to pass out.
To be fair to the MP in question, he didn’t invent the drug, just fell for the scam.
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I’m imagining the pup with all four little paws in the air haha! But gullible MPSs on taxpayer money is pretty irritating anyway…
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Yeah, he does that a lot. Sadly, he also pees on the floor a lot still. Sigh. I keep telling myself he’ll get older if we only wait long enough. Good thing he’s cute.
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Can’t imagine getting uptight with him :)
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I’ve managed. And it doesn’t help a bit.
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Amyl nitrite “poppers” relax the anal sphincter. Need I say more?
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No, that explains it pretty well, thanks. I don’t expect they’ll do much for the (vast) majority of women, then.
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Sounds like yet another piece of badly thought out broad-brush legislation that will have unintended consequences. The problem is that these days politicians don’t feel that that they have enough time to think carefully about how to fix a problem in the public sphere – they have to be seen to be doing something, and fast. There’s an interesting BBC Radio 4 documentary about this, first broadcast in January this year. It’s called “Deciding Fast and Slow” and there’s a free podcast (mp3 format) at http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p03g7mh7
“What is it really like to make decisions affecting millions of people, knowing that a mistake might be pounced upon instantly and your career left in tatters? Government ministers face this challenge every day, and now under ever-rising pressures – not just 24 hour news, but also hugely influential social media and far stronger demand for more open and accountable decision-making. “
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From what I’ve read, MPs (and Congressional representatives in the US, while we’re at it) seldom have time to even read the bills they’re voting on, much less think about them. Not a recipe for deep thinking, never mind good government. Wild Thing was just the other day telling me about an article in the New Yorker (great magazine if you haven’t read it) about the way governments respond to the public failures in child protection. Usually they do something quickly and make things either no better or worse. But at least they can say they did something.
I think that’s why we’re bombing Syria, isn’t it? So we can say we’re doing something.
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Another hilarious example of how out of touch politicians are with reality and the people they represent. By hilarious I mean of course, not funny in the least.
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It’s funny, isn’t it, how hilarious things that aren’t funny can be?
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If we couldn’t laugh about it, I guess we’d all just go crazy :)
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You’re assuming, of course, that we haven’t.
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Now you have reminded me, I vaguely remember the whole cake thing. So I guess being a gullible twazzock is no barrier to continuing a political career nor to becoming an “expert” in the very field you were revealed to be most twazzocky in. Good to know. There is hopes for us all to become policy makers then no matter our levels of ignorance.
There seems to be a constant pendulum swing in Britain when it comes to tackling drugs. For every move towards decriminalising or reducing the penal levy on some drugs, there is a swing to make every chemical substance illegal. We cannot possibly have anything existing in grey areas after all. That would be anarchy.
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Ignoring the substance of what you said (except to say that I agree), I’ll address the important issue: Twazzock is a great word. I have a feeling it wouldn’t sound great in my accent, but I do admire it.
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You should give it a go.
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Only if no one’s listening.
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I was retelling this to the best of my ability out in the backyard. Laughing so hard that I walked into a post. Apparently that added to the hilarity for my listener. Your blog ought to perhaps come with a safety warning?
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Would Beware of the Post do? I like the ambiguity.
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You are quite the wit! It took several moments for the double entendre to sink in since I’m barely awake. I also like the ambiguity.
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I confess, I thought I was pretty funny.
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Hilarious! I remember when the cake thing happened. Thanks for reminding us.
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I’m glad a few people remember the original incident. I’d begun to think it was ignored at the time.
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CAKE! I’ve been using years :)
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Um, yes, so have I, and it’s modifies my mood wonderfully.
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I had to stop immediately and check out Shatner’s Bassoon. I doubt it’s part of the brain, though. More likely associated with poppers and the relaxing of that anal sphincter.
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I googled it and came up, first, with Shatner’s Bassoon Band. After that, lots of references to Cake–including one link to the Urban Dictionary which I didn’t follow but the brief snippet I saw makes it sound like they’re still taking Cake seriously. So much for their urban credibility–never mind their street cred.
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Well, William Shatner would love being referenced as a brain part, but his gaseousness fits more with lower intestines.
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[giggle, giggle, giggle]
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great post, found you on https://therichnessofasimplelife.wordpress.com/2016/02/06/meet-greet/comment-page-2/#comment-597
hope you’ll like my blog too http://www.danetigress.wordpress.com
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I’ll check it out.
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Thanks
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Oh dear!!
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Serious topic, Ellen…
But forgive me if my feeble mind is still focusing on Moose and Minnie the Moocher…LOL.
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I won’t complain about that at all.
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Sadly this doesn’t surprise me!
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I just tweeted this to my followers, many of whom are chronic illness advocates, and currently fighting against restrictions on pain management medications. They will get a big kick out of this one, as I did. I love your writing style!
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Thanks for doing that. I’ve wrestled with a chronic illness and a good laugh would’ve been welcome. I hope it cheers somebody’s day.
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Laughter certainly helps! I hope you are feeling as well as possible today.
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I am–to my relief–over mine. It pretty much took four years out of my lie, but I’m back and as good as ever, if a little older. Wishing you the same. (I was going to say “not the older part,” but never mind, it’s inevitable and the alternative isn’t appealing.)
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I’m a recovering addict and we are known to have distorted perceptions and beliefs. But a drug that bloats your neck? Rotflol…I’m sick!!!
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Yeah, that business about bloating your neck got me as well. And every time I think of Shatner’s bassoon I get the giggles all over again.
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Oh I was laughing so hard I forgot to mention you have some cute dogs, and a nice blog. I ran into it over at OM.
Smh
Vernon
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Glad you stopped by, Vernon. And the dogs would be the first to agree with you–they think they’re gorgeous.
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Pingback: My Little Versatile Blog | The Richness of a Simple Life
Hi Ellen! Thanks for participating in my meet and greet last week. I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for an award as a thank you for your participation. I hope this is one of many for your blog. Check out the details in the link below, you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to, no pressure.
https://therichnessofasimplelife.wordpress.com/2016/02/24/my-little-versatile-blog/
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Niki, Thanks for the nomination, but I’m going to duck it. I’m flattered, but I don’t do blog awards. I try to keep a tight focus on my topic and they end up taking me in other directions. Still, I’m flattered all to hell. Really.
And a second thanks for holding the meet and greet.
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Of course, it’s my pleasure :)
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Haha that’s awesome, thanks for that 😊
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My pleasure. And thanks for tweeting it.
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You’re most welcome! 💚
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