Fighting gay marriage with nuclear weapons, and other fun stuff

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I’ve been unfair to my homeland. Here I’ve been writing about the spidery corners of British politics (I could add other links, but enough) and ignoring the ones in the good ol’ U.S. of A..

I have an excuse. For the past almost ten years I’ve been living in Britain, and it can be hard to spot the spiders when you’re ten years and an ocean away. On top of which, British politics dresses up some (but sadly not all) of its political insanity in ermine and ruffles and wigs, which are always good for a laugh, and what can the U.S. do to rival that? But fair’s fair. Let’s talk about Amurrican spiders. Because if I want something to make fun of, holy batshit, have people in my country ever been getting up to some strange stuff lately.

Strangely relevant photo (just keep reading; it'll almost make sense): Minnie the Moocher and Fast Eddie

Strangely relevant photo (just keep reading; it’ll almost make sense): Minnie the Moocher and Fast Eddie

Let’s start with Ted Cruz, who’s running for president in the Republican primary. In August 2015 he told a crowd of cheering supporters that the Southern states should build a nuclear bomb to protect their Christian beliefs. Or maybe it was their right to those beliefs. Subtle difference. Either way, it seems an odd way to wage the battle of beliefs. But it seems gays, lesbians, transsexuals, and bisexuals are persecuting Christians by, you know, getting married and having sex (or more likely the other way around) and then making toast together in the morning and instead of being all lovey dovey like people who are just going out, the married ones are all rumply over their toast and if they talk at all it’s about the cat. If they’re lesbians. Lesbians are known for having cats. There. Now I’ve let you in on our big secret (if, of course, you’re not already lesbian; if you are, you know). Wild Thing and I also have two dogs, so I’m not sure if we’re busting a stereotype or falling right into it. I also don’t know what gay men or transsexuals do to parallel that, so I won’t speculate on what they talk about in the morning. I will say that I personally made toast just yesterday—not for myself but for Wild Thing. I ate oatmeal. With fruit. I’m not sure if Mr. Cruz understands the subtleties this indicates in our relationship or if he cares, but believe me, this is important information.

For the record, we’re not married but we do have a civil partnership. And we’re usually quite civil, even if we don’t always eat the same breakfast. All relationships have these little hiccups now and then.

Okay, full disclosure: I wrote “yesterday” in the last paragraph, but what I really mean is that it was yesterday when I wrote the sentence. It’s now long past. And I’m in Britain, where my toaster and I don’t threaten Mr. Cruz quite as directly as we did when we lived in Minneapolis. But still, our toast is a sign of how seriously civic morality has deteriorated. I have no doubt that some Christian lost his or her faith as I was spreading the butter. As a direct result of what I did.

Damn, I’m powerful.

Cruz also said Christians were being lynched. Presumably by gays, although his wording leaves it ambiguous. Does he understand what the word lynched means? That it’s a real thing that was done to real people of the black persuasion by god-fearing Christian people of the white persuasion? That it was done to terrify an entire community and maintain power? Or does he just think it’s a powerful word and he wants it on his side?

It’s not easy to make fun of this stuff. He’s already gone past exaggeration. He’s gone past absurdity. He’d make a great humor writer if only he had a sense of humor, but as far as I can tell he doesn’t.

Cruz, by the way, has promised that if he’s elected president he’ll ban gluten-free MREs (meals ready to eat—the prepacked stuff soldiers eat in the field) in the military, because they’re politically correct nonsense. That’ll pose a serious problem if he gets elected, because but the military doesn’t offer gluten-free MREs.

Be careful what you promise, Ted, because they’ll be hard to ban.

Personally, if I’m elected president I’m going to keep the army from using frilly pink uniforms. They’re undignified. Besides, I never did like pink. I don’t see why the army can’t humor me on this.

In the meantime, either the good senator himself or his campaign hired an “adult film” actress (as the news story delicately puts it) for a campaign video.

But I don’t want to pick on Cruz alone. Those just happen to be the stories that rose to the top of the cess pool. So let’s consider Texas pastor Rick Scarborough who announced he’d be willing to be burned to death to fight gay marriage. If he said how that would help, I missed it. The same article also mentions a couple who said they’d get a divorce if gay marriage was legalized.

That’ll show ‘em.

None of them said anything about toast. It may be too perverse for their tender sensibilities.

And then there’s Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who’s so fired up about the threat gay marriage poses to the Great State that he’s trying to get the word spouse taken off the death certificate of a man who married his partner in a different state but died in Texas. I’m glad to know he hasn’t lost his perspective on what matters in life. And death.

Mr. Paxton himself is under indictment of securities fraud.

So there you have it: my random round-up of American political insanity. It lacks wigs and ruffles, and sometimes it’s hard to read it and keep laughing, but I do my best. Hope I haven’t put you off your toast.

102 thoughts on “Fighting gay marriage with nuclear weapons, and other fun stuff”

  3. I went to my uncle’s civil partnership…

    It struck me that it was identical to my civil marriage.

    Identical wording and everything…

    I have eggs and a bagel for breakfast and my husband has granola and yogurt, though so maybe that is the real difference…

    Although he does sometimes have porridge, and I do have my bagel toasted…so who really knows…

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  5. You haven’t mentioned Kim Davis, the woman who refuses to give marriage certificates to gays because of her belief….. the problem with this woman is that her current husband is her fourth, and she has 2 children born out of wedlock…. nothing wrong with that, of course, but this woman acts so holier than thou.

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    • Good points. Politics are getting so crazy over there (“over there” being the U.S.) that she’s sort of been eclipsed–at least in my mind–by the current wave of craziness. But yes, marriage is so sacred to her that she’s had four of them. Who could argue with that?

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  6. And you couldn’t make this up! As a British person, I really am baffled as to how the Republican Party can have got itself in the position where the only “viable” candidates for President are a bunch of what we in the UK would call “nutters”. Now we do have nutters in British politics, but by and large, I think said nutters do have some sense of their own lunacy and a sense of humour to go with it. Indeed, we do have an official political party for nutters; the Monster Raving Loony Party (“Vote For Insanity” – see http://www.loonyparty.com). But I don’t think we would view David Cameron or Jeremy Corbyn as outright loonies, or even Nigel Farage (UK Independence Party) for that matter.

    Is all this insane rhetoric by the Republican Party candidates just part of the extended theatrical performance that is the the US presidential race? Or does it reflect genuine attitudes and prejudices?

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    • Ah, yes, the Monster Raving Loony Party. You have to love a country that comes up with that. The only way I’ve been able to explain the Republican primary to myself is that a lot of people are treating it as a reality TV show, but yes, I think it does genuinely reflect attitudes and prejudices. Not everyone’s, but a minority that feels threatened, believes it’s a majority, and is very vocal. And very pissed off that they don’t control everyone else, because they truly do think they have a right to.

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  7. For what it’s worth, I don’t think gay marriage is the issue it once was in the US (especially since the Obergefell decision last year made arguing about it any longer even more stupid and pointless). Cruz is quickly becoming one of the also-rans on the Republican side, perhaps because of his attempts to stoke anger over social issues.

    It’s a really interesting political season over here, though. Every day I’m shaking my head in wonder, as I never thought I’d see a figure like Trump rise in American politics. It’s almost funny, until you consider the consequences.

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    • It’s all very funny until I stop laughing and realize how scary it is. I just saw a photo of some people in full Klan regalia holding signs supporting Trump. They were headed into one of his rallies. As for Trump himself, I can’t see any way to predict what he’d actually do as president. My sense is, anything that crossed his mind. I mean, if we thought Nixon didn’t care about legal nicities….

      As for gay marriage, I’m sure you’re right–most people don’t care anymore. I never thought I’d see the day. But as I watch the Republican primary, I feel like I’m watching a threatened, vocal minority that’s very, very pissed off that it can’t control the rest of us, because it genuinely believes it has the right to. And a group like that can be dangerous. Which is why when I stop laughing it scares the hell out of me.

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      • It is a minority. The number of people who identify as Republicans in the US is roughly 25%, an even smaller percentage is voting in the primaries, and even fewer are voting for Trump. I hate to think people any where on this Earth are thinking Trump’s support is somehow representative of Americans in general.

        These folks are getting an out-sized portion of attention right now.

        Anyway, I feel I have to jump in here and defend the American voter. :) Is Trump that different from Farage? I know you don’t really do politics, but it would be interesting to compare the two.

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        • I’m actually a highly political beast, but I try to keep things light here and with a lot of what’s going on it’s hard to do that. Farage is a clown but not on the scale of Trump. I’d hate to have to choose between the two, but Trump does make Farage look like a serious thinker.

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          • The missing piece of information about the American voter is that a huge percentage of them aren’t–voters, that is. So many people don’t see the point. And there seems to be a move afoot to make it harder for various groups of people to vote–Indians living on the reservations (via the kind of i.d. demanded); people in black neighborhoods (polls closing); people with a huge range of prior criminal convictions or people whose names resemble theirs even though they have no convictions.

            Rant, rant, rant. You see why a lot of my posts aren’t political. It’s hard to keep my sense of humor.

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  9. I will never understand US politics, nor will I understand why the political right over there is so keen to self-destruct. I lean centre-left anyway, but having a viable alternative offered by the right would be a good thing. Sadly, the Tories here aren’t offering much of one and the Republicans are batshit crazy!

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  11. No one’s made toast here in almost a week. Now I fear we must be losing all civility. I shall make toast momentarily. Is there a direct correlation between my buttering toast and Christians losing their faith, or nah? Do heteros have this power as well?
    The truth is that I don’t understand why anyone else cares so much about anyone else’s love life. I passionately oppose people who drive in the left lane without passing, but I’m not applying for traffic sainthood, offering to be burnt to death. How is it possible people care more about the private lives of others than I care about the left lane?
    Do you think ermine or wigs could elevate the level of material in American politics? Maybe if politicians wore ridiculous attire, the topics would seem more serious in comparison.

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    • 1. Sorry, but heterosexuals can make, butter, and eat toast without affecting anyone’s religious beliefs. It’s odd, I admit, but that’s how the world’s organized. Some things we simply have to accept. 2. It would probably be good if we all stop thinking about other people’s sex lives. I mean, really, what do we gain? 3. The best thing I can say for dressing up our politicians (and the people around them) in silly clothes is that even when their policies drive you to despair you can look at a picture of them and find something that gives you a good giggle. Would it work in the U.S.? I kind of suspect it wouldn’t. You can only do that with a population of people who take it seriously.

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  12. The Republican Party nominees are all terrifying, equally but differently. Trump is an inexperienced, incompetent, ignorant egomaniac with no moral compass or integrity whose entire platform is founded on self- interest and is shored up by fear and hatred. Rubio comes across as smooth because he dresses neatly, has good teeth, and the type of charm that some people appear to find appealing but – aside from his horrible political views – he’s a hollow vessel. Cruz is terrifying quite frankly. I have no words to express how wrong thinking he is, how his political world view is a fossil from a bygone era, and what’s more worrying about his particular brand of hate is that he absolutely, truly and fundamentally believes feat he says (whereas I don’t think Trump has rarely believed anything he has said ever). I’m still hoping that Cruz will be found ineligible to stand. Any one of these asshats would drag America back decades in terms of civil rights, equalities, human rights. Quite frankly their manifestos are a war on compassion and humanity. Any one of them being elected as President would make us question whether we could raise our sons in a nation that voted them into the office. It’s deeply troubling.

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    • Excellent summary of what we face. I wish I could convince my son and his wife to take their baby out of here right now in the hope of avoiding what I see coming, which is not funny at all.

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      • Honestly, I can’t imagine that Trump could win an election. (He does seem to have the nomination in the bag, but even that is an egg that hasn’t hatched yet.) These are scary times, but I don’t think it’s time to panic yet.

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        • Have you read Jeff Sharlett’s well-researched The Family? It is a few years old now but that was when I realized that we are facing something unprecedented. I’m not one for conspiracies but Sharlett changed the framework with which I look at things and gave me an understanding of the code speak these guys use. Trump is not actually the one I’m worried about. Control of state courts, gerrymandering and restriction of voting (like closing all but a couple of places where people can register and then stonewalling those who do show up to register) is where it is at now. There’s control of the media, of course, too. Then there’s the education system. Here in Looney State I just read an article saying that University of Houston professors are being advised to drop controversial topics, change the subject if a student shows anger, restrict office hours and more, all due to the new open carry law that the legislature is forcing on the public universities. Of course, that’s open carry for weapons, not for beer cans! This election will be key.

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      • Thanks for understanding my rant, Diane. I am frustratingly not eligible to vote (I am a Green Card holder) so I feel so powerless and impotent in the face of all of this. My only hope is that reasonable Republican voters and floating voters will go Democrat. Or not vote at all – which is not something I generally support but I might make an exception for in this case.

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  13. I’m most terrified that Americans have become so entrenched in support of their party that there is no behavior that changes their minds. Ex., the current Republican position on a Supreme Court nominee that flies in the face of a strict interpretation of the Constitution. I’m visiting family in Houston, Looney Star State, right now which always scares me. What if I step off the sidewalk with the wrong foot first. Will I find myself in jail for ten years? Last night the candidate nutters had their latest name calling session nearby. Usually I am somewhat sequestered from all this in a California coastal village almost as remote as your location. I’m having my dreams of migration to Elsewhere again but I just do not know where that would be. Mars ? No wonder NASA has 18,500 applications to be astronauts.

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  15. Politics in the US is no longer about governance, or presenting our best bib and tucker to the world – it’s about shock value, sound bytes, and making your ‘team’ look good by making the other team look bad.

    Personally, I think we should round up all the career politicos in the country in a secure location, lock the gates, toss in assorted weaponry (but nothing that can penetrate the walls) and put it on pay-per-view.

    George Carlin thought it would work well for the criminals, and I can’t think of anyone more criminal nowadays than our elected officials…

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  16. You would think that wanna-be-president types would have better things to lie about than who people love and what kind of breakfast choices that might lead to. I think if I were ever sentenced to spend time with Mr Cruz, the only way it would happen, that I’d bring along gluten-free toast as a tribute to this post and his insanity. Maybe I’d say it was prepared by the spouse of a gay man but leave him guessing as to what that means.

    I have tried not to pay attention to our politics. I promised myself that I’d wait until there were only two bad choices and I would choose the least bad. In a way, it’s a Hobson’s choice – choose the bad president, or don’t, but…

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  17. I find it best for my blood pressure to ignore much of what passes for debate coming from the GOP. But what really has me fired up this morning is the concerted attack on Bernie Sanders by the establishment Democrats. Even Twitter pushed Bernie Tweets aside. Makes me sick how even the Democratic primary is rigged to favor the establishment candidate.

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  19. Toaster’s broken, but reading all this over breakfast’s just like TV comedy. The replies and conversations show there are still sane people around somewhere who haven’t lost all their senses. We only hear about Trump here. Cruz – you must have made some of that up? – makes him sound like a desirable alternative! US of A please please wake up before one of these crazies blows us all up…

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    • Sorry if I made it sound like this represents the entire country. I kind of specialize of picking up on absurdities, which explains my fascination with the British Parliament, which is also not typical of the whole country.

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  21. Hi Ellen,
    I would say too funny, but I realize it’s not funny at all. Cruz is so far to the right; he’s an extremist. I think he was the Tea Party guy. It was your delivery that made this an entertaining read.
    Janice

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  22. I live in Texas. (She said with her head hung low) I’m an East Coaster that ended here do to the man I make toast for on occasion. I’m also a LGBT ally who is passionate about animal rights. Yeah…it’s not a great fit.
    The list of terrifying politicians from this state is endless. I personally find Cruz to be the most terrifying. This is probably going to sound really strange, but he lacks any and all charm. Most of these people have a certain something that makes you less uneasy with their beliefs…he doesn’t. He just all smirky and dickish. I also think that it’s only a matter of time before something truly glorious creeps out of his closet.
    Well none of that was very kind…but it was ‘kinder’ than I could have been.
    Great post. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

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    • Living in Texas doesn’t make your responsible for its politicians. But if you’re inclined toward satire, it gives you a wealth of subject matter. From what I’ve heard, Cruz’s own party absolutely hates him–probably for the ice-cold soul that lies behind that lack of charm you mentioned.

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        • There’s something in the law of physics that makes typos land in comments that we can’t edit after we hit Post. And there’s something else in the laws of physics that keeps them from being visible until we hit that button. In other words, don’t worry about it. I used to clean up comments but it took too much of my time, so I stopped.

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  23. Thanks, Ellen. I can’t really believe the level of ‘debate’ – I prefer to call it mud-slinging – in politics these days, here or over there, but the idea that Christians in the US are being lynched is something else. As you say the history all goes the other way; ah, except that, of course, many of those people of colour who were lynched were themselves Christians … But don’t let the history of murderous Christians get in the way of a good story. Or, indeed, let history get in its way. Maybe I should be visited by God so I can lay down some fiery criticisms of my own, seeing as he appears to be batting for the wrong side right now!

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    • Thanks for your point about the people who were lynched (most of them, anyway) being Christians. I was so busy making my point that I hadn’t stopped to give that any thought. It seems that no matter what fine principles a religion (or other body of thought) embraces, it can be used to justify pretty much anything. At least once its followers are in power. Maybe the only purity is to be on the outside, criticizing.

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  24. Politicians say the stupidest stuff and make us all look like idiots (depending on which group they are “speaking for”)…maybe they should just all stuff toast in their mouths and let us vote for them based on who has the best posture. We’d probably come out better that way…

    Comments from politicians and other public figures who claim to be Christians make me cringe. And feel like I have to qualify, “I’m a Christian. But not like ____. Or _____. Or _____. I don’t think we should tell other people our opinion of what’s wrong with their lives. I mostly just enjoy getting to know people and loving people for who they are. I think some other guy did that. But oh….right. He got lynched, so…”

    Found you on HarsH ReaLiTy… :)

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    • It’s all gotten out of hand when people have to disassociate themselves from the folks who are running around giving their beliefs a bad name.

      I’m going to give your idea about linking toast and voting some thought. You may be onto something there.

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