It’s almost Easter, so let’s drop in on those good folks who find themselves with an excess of money at this and every other time of year. Yes friends, with inequality on the increase and income being redistributed upward, it can be hard to figure out what to do with all that annoying cash (and its virtual equivalent), so when a few of the holidays come around I like to make a few useful suggestions. Because I do so want to be helpful.
What do I do with my cash? As a rule, I drop it on the floor of the village store while I’m wrestling change out of my pocket. I tell you, I can’t get rid of the stuff fast enough.
Anyway, welcome to the world of luxury Easter eggs. Let’s see how much money we can spend. And before someone else mentions it, let me be clear that what follows in no way represents the way 99.99% of British people live, or even what interests them; 99% of British Easter eggs sell for supermarket-type prices, at a rough guess £10 at the top end, three for £10 in the middle, and small eggs and chocolate rabbits for £1. I mention that because I want to be clear that I won’t be talking about the world most of us live in here.
Ready?
For a mere £85, you can get a single-origin milk chocolate egg, boringly decorated with cherry blossoms, or the same thing in dark chocolate, only the dark chocolate’s from Madagascar, which may mean it’s more singular than single origin or may mean it’s less singular. We’re not told the origin of the milk chocolate, only that it’s singular. Maybe wherever it came from doesn’t sound as exotic as Madagascar. Maybe it’s from New Jersey.
Do they grow cacao in New Jersey? Not last I heard but it calls itself the garden state, so we can’t rule it out.
Which is better, single origin or Madagascan? Who cares. They cost the same.
The eggs weigh in at 800 grams of chocolate, which (in case your brain is wired non-metrically) is way the hell more than a pound of the stuff.
On the other hand, for £5 less (that’s £80, and aren’t you just proud of me that I figured that out?), you can get an ostrich Easter egg that’s half milk and half dark, filled with smaller chocolates and accompanied by a tray of chocolates that didn’t fit inside because those damned ostriches never did learn to plan ahead. They don’t really stick their heads in the sand to hide from danger, but you still can’t count on them to plan.
Is there a difference between planning and planning ahead? What else could you plan for if not something that’s ahead?
The egg is more than a kilo of chocolate, which translates to more than 2.2 pounds in non-metricality. How much more? They’re not saying. And you get zero decoration on the egg.
A bit further down the scale, for £57.50 you can get a milk chocolate egg “stippled” with dark chocolate and decorated with multicolored flowers. It’s not as expensive as the one with the cherry blossoms, but it is more colorful and more care went into arranging the verbiage. It’s not just stippled, it’s sumptuous. It “started life as the finest Swiss Grand Cru milk chocolate,” which makes me think that as a vegetarian I probably probably shouldn’t eat it. I don’t want to bite into something whose life was cut short because I wanted a snack.
Whether or not it was once alive, it now weights 600 grams.
Since I brought up the verbiage, I might as well say that I wouldn’t pay extra for it, no matter how carefully it’s arranged. You can’t eat the stuff.
And by way of full disclosure, I should say that I don’t want an Easter egg myself—especially an expensive one. I used to work in a candy factory and it cured me. I lost interest in almost all candy, although I do sometimes want good, plain dark chocolate—the kind most people think it meant for cooking.
But enough of that. As I was researching this post (I googled “easter eggs, luxury”—and yes, I included the comma; I can’t help myself), predictive text offered me “easter eggs the devil’s testicles.” And although—sorry, gents—testicles don’t interest me and I feel roughly the same way about the devil, the combination was too much to pass up. I’m here to tell you about parts of the world you might not stumble into yourself, right? So I clicked a few links and found that someone’s written a book that asks the burning question, “Are your children playing with Lucifer’s testicles?”
You thought they’d gone kind of quiet in the back bedroom, didn’t you?
[A late addition: Mikedw and Ubi Dubium (a) read the site more carefully than I did and (b) are more knowledgeable than I am, and both pointed out that it’s a satirical site. You can see their comments below. So I tripped on my own feet there. That’s particularly embarrassing since a blogger or two believed some of the more bizarre things I’ve said, including that Druids worshiped the Great Brussels Sprout, linked to them, and commented on them. But there’s no cure for embarrassement like admitting to it, so here you go. Read the rest of this with that in mind–I haven’t changed it.]
Now, I’m not so dedicated to this blog that I’m going to read the book for you, and no way in hell would I encourage the author by parting with money for it—I’d rather set the money on fire, thanks. So I’m limited to what the website told me, but it sound like the author recommends telling your children that their little heathen friends celebrate Easter the way they do because “in the old days, deluded pagans would gather round and hump like bunnies on Easter Sunday because they thought it would make their tomatoes grow faster.”
By way of extreme generosity, let’s assume (although it doesn’t say this) that you’re supposed to tell them about humping like bunnies in the most tolerant and age-appropriate way. You might also want to tell your kids why the pagans celebrated Easter on a Sunday, being as how they were pagans and all.
A quotation from the book says, “Pagan kids didn’t have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh. You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan. And since they didn’t have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint.”
And if that doesn’t teach me not to click random links on the internet, nothing will. It should also teach us all not to obsess about other people’s sex lives. It never leads anywhere good.
In spite of my better instincts, I’ve got to give you a link. How else will you know this isn’t the product of my diseased mind instead of someone else’s?
I need to get that out of our minds, don’t I? So let’s talk about chocolate again. When I’ve posted about overpriced Easter eggs in the past, I’ve waited until a newspaper or two runs an article about the most outrageous ones, then I ride on their research. But this year I thought I’d run the post a bit early, so we’ll have to make do with what I can find online.
Why don’t I call a few fancy store and do my research the way genuine journalists do? Because that works better when you write for some real publication instead of having to say, “Hi, I’m a blogger no one ever heard of. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’re selling this season?” So the internet it was.
Harrod’s is a reliable source of overpriced goodies, so I checked their website and found that they’re “partnered” with “artist Camille Walala,” who turned out a limited edition of twelve eggs. They say the “eggs are highly-prized; a fitting marriage of an exciting London designer with our [ahem; due modesty here] world-famous store.”
In the department of expensive verbiage, they could have saved some money by deleting the first hyphen, since it’s wrong anyway. And while I’m at it, the semi-colon began life as a comma and should probably return to that happy state of being before it gets mistaken for something edible, although it’s still going to be a clunky sentence for reasons I’m not going to get into.
The website doesn’t mention how much the eggs cost. I think it’s one of those “if you have to ask you can’t afford it” things, but if you insist on knowing how much money it’s humanly possible to spend on chocolate, you can look elsewhere on the site and order an assortment of truffles for £350, even though the assortment’s not specific to Easter. There’s no mention of how much it weighs, but the verbiage is weighty if not creative. It includes perfect, special, abundance, luxurious, mouth-watering, bespoke, and exquisite. Which—I’m sorry to be critical—strikes me as a bit ho-hum for that sort of money.
It also says the selection will leave you wanting more. At £350 a box, that might not be a good thing, but I suppose it depends on how much cash you’ve dropped on the floor of the village shop. If they ever move the freezer, they should have enough to buy a couple of boxes. Given what I contributed, I’m owed a taste.
I can assure you that I do not spend anything like that on Easter eggs. I am self-employed on a low income and have four children and a mortgage. I am looking for the three for £10 Easter eggs! :)
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Sorry–I should’ve been clear that the ones I reviewed are anything but typical. In fact, I think I’ll go back and add that in. I got so caught up in the absurdity of it all that I forgot to give people a reality check. Thanks for reminding me.
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No, you did write that it is not typical. You put that 99.9% of Brits cannot afford to behave in that way. I am just saying that I am not one of the 0.1% that do that. It is a good article that makes the point that there are products out there that are absurdly extravagant and beyond the means of the majority of those in the UK. I have written a lot of similarly themed articles for somebody else recently. I am just, unfortunately, not in that situation :)
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And if you were, I’m sure you’d find something more sensible to do with your money. But there’s a horrid fascination in reading about the crazy excesses of the 0.1%.
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I forgot to mention- I live in the UK!
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It seems like those very expensive eggs you described suppose to have melted gold mixed with chocolate haha 😂 😂 Maybe then would be worth their price!
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There was a period when doctors who tended the rich mixed expensive metals into their remedies. They didn’t do much for the patient, but they did convince them it was worth the money. Science booted that approach out of medicine (sort of–let’s not talk about American medicine right now) and relocated it to Easter.
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In the Middle Ages gold was considered to be the perfect metal, so people ate it in the belief that its perfection would do them good. Obviously this only applied to the very few who could afford to eat gold.
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I’ll bet it wasn’t easy to get down. I say that on the basis of my low-rent accidents with getting a bit of tinfoil between my teeth by accident. It’s a horrible feeling.
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I don’t quite know how they did it. I think they made very thin gold leaf and pressed it on things. I don’t think any of my books about medieval cooking mention how it was eaten, but I’ll have a look.
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My teeth hurt just thinking about it.
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Mine do since you mentioned the tinfoil. I was OK with it before.
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Oops. Sorry. Think about something else. Fruitcake, maybe. Or ham sandwiches.
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Do you get an egg shaped as Lucifer’s Testicles with the book? (Sorry, that should obviously be two eggs.. )
I’ve opened some bad images and follow on jokes with that so I’m going to stop now. I can see how easy this temptation stuff can lead you astray.
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Are you kidding me? Get the book? When pigs dye Easter eggs.
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Belly laughs all around! Thanks!
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It’s always good to hear that.
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Do they get yellow-ticketed after Easter Monday?
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I’m not sure. What’s it mean to be yellow-ticketed?
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Supermarkets such as Tesco’s stick a yellow ticket on stuff near its sell-by date and sell it off cheaply. Sometimes we see elbow contests like those at posh shops’ sales
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I don’t know. I have a hunch they’re just quietly moved out of sight for fear of devaluing the brand, but what do I know about this stuff anyway? Zilch.
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I need to be around you when you’re throwing your money away. what happened to the day of having jelly beans and a chocolate bunny?
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Good question. My best guess is that in the real world, they’re still going on.
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You did get that the whole Devil’s testicles thing is a joke, right? Laugh out loud funny! Thanks for the link, I would never have found it by myself.
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If it’s a joke, good. But honestly, in the world we live in, I wouldn’t be too sure.
Having said that, I’ve had people take some of the stranger things I’ve said seriously–most recently that the Druids worshiped the Great Brussels Sprout. It gets pretty weird.
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I know America has more than it’s fair share of religious weirdos but this whole page is brilliant, elaborate satire or, as it clearly states on the bottom line, a parody. The “reviews” are hysterical. Somebody went to a lot of trouble. As for the egg prices, look at it as a redistribution of wealth straight from the Robin Hood retailers manual. Shops have bills and staff to pay. Asking 350 quid for a box of chocolates from some idiot with more bullion than brains is a blow for democracy. The money might not trickle down like we were promised but at least it’s slithering sideways.
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Okay, so I’ve tripped on my own feet. I didn’t read the reviews, and the far fringes of the religious right are so nutty it’s hard to tell where satire begins. Or ends. Ironic, since one or two bloggers have picked up some of my nuttier comments and taken them seriously.
Sigh.
I like your theory of money slithering sideways. I’d prefer a more straightforward distribution, but what the hell, no one asked.
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I have pagan friends…they never mentioned any of this!
In semicolon related news, I was asked this week if it was ok to use a semicolon in place of a colon because the colon looked too aggressive.
O_O
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Too aggressive? Sam, I swear, that would only happen to you.
As f your pagan friends, they’re keeping secrets. Which under the circumstances isn’t a bad idea.
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I know it is madness isn’t it!
I was so confused by the concept of aggressive punctuation that I couldn’t think of any appropriate sarcasm for a good minute or two!!
Yes, to be honest if my pagan friends get up to that sort of thing they can keep quiet about it!
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Sometimes silence and a very slack jaw is even better than sarcasm. But–I don’t know, I think I like the idea of aggressive punctuation. I’m not sure how to do it, but I’ll work on it. As for your pagan friends, they’re trying to keep it all to themselves.
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I suspect that the people in my office would think that if anyone were to use aggressive punctuation it would be me…
apparently I have an aggressive communication style at tines.
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I knew I liked you.
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😁😁
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What the heck. And we wonder why the people are getting restless. I must admit that I’m wild about candy, but I am also a penny pincher. I go to the stores the Monday after Easter and get my chocolate stash for half price. ;)
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And a very wise shopper you are. I skip the whole thing. I used to work in a candy factory, which mostly cured me of any interest in the stuff. What I’m left with is a liking for very dark, very plain chocolate. The more you improve it, the less I like it.
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Oh, I wish I were that way. Even though I’m 60 and ought to know better, candy beckons to me. I just can’t resist it. ;)
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It’s handy, but I’m not sure it was worth the time I invested in the cure.
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It is, as you say, another world. And for that I am eternally grateful.
And I always understood that the devil’s testicles were brussels sprouts. You live and learn.
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Brussels sprouts? Really? So what does it mean that people eat them at Christmas?
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Well, some folk do, anyway. Don’t understand it myself.
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I like the things, but I find all this religious stuff hard to swallow.
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Yup. With you, there.
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Playing with Luci’s testicles…I just spit tea out of my nose! That is the funniest thing ever. My mind is blown! And this was excellent!!
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I lean toward thinking it’s the most bizarre thing I even heard. (I’m just checking my meory to see if I can find any competition. So far, no.) Honestly, for me it’s a little too disturbing to be genuinely funny, but if you spit tea out your nose, I’ve done my work for the week. I do hope it had cooled.
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Yes it had! Thank you!
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See Mikedw’s and Ubi Dubium’s comments, and my responses. I took a satire seriously and I’ve gone back and edited in an acknowledgement.
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I kind of assumed it was satire. But lord love a duck it’s still funny as heck! Just the imagery!
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You’ve got me craving some dark chocolate now.
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Apologies. I wouldn’t mind some myself.
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Easter eggs? Why? I don’t buy any seasonal shit and save loads of money. I mean, I’m saving for taxes. The world of luxury eggs is a weird place. Thank you for this excursion to it!
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Deeply, deeply weird.
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Good mercy. I’d nearly forgotten how excited my husband gets about chocolate day. All this would be wasted on him, even if it wasn’t waste overall, because I’ve seen him chew his chocolate.
I will take him to the store, and he will collect all the things, and extra of the things, under the guise of the children and then he will stuff himself with chocolate and go for a run. He will do this for a few weeks, until he runs out of chocolate, and then he’ll just go to the gym.
I, on the other hand, will cook savory dishes and read. I will partake of some chocolate, but more the ham gravy.
THAT is what pagan parents do on Easter. There may be writhing, but it will not include our neighbors or Satan.
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Sounds like a plan. Do you get the cartoon Sally Forth? Every Easter, the mother bit the ears off the kids’ chocolate rabbits. It was a great gag–and didn’t seem to involve the neighbors.
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LOL no, I’ve not seen that!
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I haven’t found the Easter bunny ears, but here’s a link to the comic strip in general. Funny, but the characters haven’t aged in the eleven or so years since I last saw them. I’m sure I haven’t either. https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=sally+forth+cartoon&rlz=1CADEAH_enGB772GB772&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=pxfoNlxKNCgmQM%253A%252C16DEcQVDMYcmFM%252C_&usg=__uUOsQX_e7QpdQAI-tfjAFiTgzMw%3D&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi6hb_PrYPaAhUC_KQKHWb7CkQQ_h0IngEwDw#imgrc=pxfoNlxKNCgmQM:
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Hah! Yeah. I’ve never seen the cartoon. Thanks for sharing it.
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Were any ears bitten off during all the writhing? I mean, it seems like it could get quite confusing. The eggs around here, besides the normal variety in the fridge, are Reese’s Peanut butter Eggs. If you tell me they don’t have those in England (still trying to get over the lack of Cheetos) I’d have to strike it from the list.
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It’s safe to visit. You can find them at Waitrose, Sainsbury’s, and Tesco’s–all major supermarkets. And possibly at other stores, but that’s as far as my research went.
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Phew!
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You were going to pack candy instead of clothes, right?
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Well, yeah.
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Pretty damned close to spewing tea through my nose here, too! Fortunately I’ve learned not to be taking a sip while reading your posts. Oh! and thanks for the link to Sally Forth. I had never come across that one it appears to be wickedly funny.
…and it all started out so calmly.
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It usually does, doesn’t it? Glad you like Sally F. I miss it.
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…Leave ’em wanting more what? Verbiage? I’m so gonvuzed!
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Gonvuzion’s a permanent state around here.
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Ogay, I wo’d worry doo budge aboud id den…
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OK. The book is from Landover Baptist, which makes sense. It’s a spoof church website, and Pastor Deacon Fred cracks me up. The main page is here: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/.
What’s scary is how hard it is sometimes to tell the real crazies from the imitation crazies.
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Yeah. Mikedw pointed out the same thing. It is hard to tell where satire begins and ends these days, but it’s ironic that I tripped over my own feet on this one, since one or two bloggers have taken some of the nuttier things I’ve said seriously.
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My stupid web provider wont let me look at the spoof website. I’m so disappointed!
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Oh, dear. I’m sure they’d tell you it’s for your own good.
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I don’t buy Easter eggs, but, if I did, I wouldn’t buy them from a company called Lick the Spoon Chocolate. I feel quite ill.
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I didn’t take it that way, but now that you say that, I do wonder who’s been licking it before I got there.
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Very funny post, Ellen. Thanks. Off to join the Pagan Party!
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I’m sure it’ll go on for days. Have a great time.
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Oh, Ellen, you’ve done it again! Pastor Deacon Fred is such a find! And I didn’t ever think how milk chocolate could be off the list for vegans (though I’m not sure about vegetarians??) but I’m also not sure American milk chocolate actually includes milk or any other actual organic substance…I’m pretty much off candy though I do enjoy the really dark chocolates at Aldi for cheap. And even though I don’t have much money I do go throwing it on the floor lots of places because isn’t that our duty to support the economy??
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The money that ends up on the floor presumably gets harvested at some point, so think of it as a careless form of recycling.
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I think I’ll just boil and paint some real eggs. Besides, the whole thing about chocolate being good for your health has turned out to be based on biased research, statistics, wording and interpretation.
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Really? Is there nothing we can count on anymore?
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I know. That one was a real let-down.
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Love the pic
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Thanks. So do I. I suspect it only appeals to people with a sense of humor.
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Reblogged this on SEO.
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Thank you.
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You are welcome my dear
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Great news on Ostrich Easter Eggs you can get them half price now – a snip at £40.
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I’ll have two please, with toast.
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Mmm careful I live near Bray, stuffed with Michelin starred restaurants where toast could work out very expensive.
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Thanks for the warning. I suppose a cup of tea’s out of the question as well.
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Fat Duck could probably knock up acup if tea but possibly not as you know it. “The restaurant is known for its fourteen-course tasting menu featuring dishes such as nitro scrambled egg and bacon ice cream, an Alice in Wonderland inspired mock turtle soup involving a bouillon packet made up to look like a fob watch dissolved in tea, and a dish called Sound of the Sea which includes an audio element. The restaurant has an associated laboratory where Blumenthal and his team develop new dish concepts.[2]
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Now I could be wrong about this, but I don’t think I’m the customer they had in mind. I’ll just look for a little cafe on an industrial estate. You’ve got those there or have they all been gentrified and the units broken into sections and sold for hundreds of thousands of pounds to people who appear on interior design websites, talking about industrial chic?
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There’s a high street stuffed with coffee shops.
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I can make do with one of them, then.
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Do you think Harrod’s has a half-off sale after Easter?
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It’s worth sending an email and asking, don’t you think?
Not that half off would be cheap….
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Yes, but you could say it was from Harrod’s. I’m sure that’s a point of pride in Cornwall. :)
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True, but once you eat it there’s nothing to show off.
You would eat it, wouldn’t you?
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Maybe I could take a picture with it
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That would do it. Put it on Facebook. Hang it on your wall. Send out copies as cards next Christmas.
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