Let’s say you’re a prime minister who got this pesky pandemic thing wrong, hesitating to lock the country down, shaking hands with hospital patients, refraining from kissing babies only because parents clutched their kids and turned away when they saw you coming. A prime minister who told the country that washing hands and singing Happy Birthday would keep everyone safe, and who then, embarrassingly, got sick yourself, either because you didn’t wash your hands or went off key on one of those tricky passages in “Happy Birthday.” A prime minister who locked the country down late but made an exception for your special advisor so he could run around the country scattering virii because he’d mistaken them for fairy dust.
So you’re that prime minister, and after you’d been sick you came back to work to hear lots of speculation whether you were really up to running the country.
What would you do?
Pushups, that’s what you’d do. Publicly.
Or maybe you wouldn’t, but that’s what Boris Johnson did, except the British seem to call them press-ups. Never mind. Same thing. Floor, hands, arms, body weight. Straight back if you’re doing them right.
There were two problems with the strategy: Your ability to do pushups has no bearing on your ability to run a country, and Johnson isn’t what you’d call a natural athlete. The photos show a kind of lumpy, overage guy in a dress shirt and slacks looking baffled by a floor. Has this thing always been here? he seems to be asking himself. Can I outsource it?
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He can’t, but let’s go back to that special advisor, the one with the fairy dust. A law graduate is trying to crowdfund £300,000 for to pay for a private prosecution of Dominic Cummings’ two breaches of lockdown.
“I am trying to encourage the re-establishment of the concept of the rule of law – one law for all,” Mahsa Taliefar said. “What Cummings did demonstrated that at the moment in the UK if you are rich and have powerful friends the law doesn’t apply to you.”
I just checked the website and she’s raised £31,000 so far.
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You know the theory that we all have to choose between the economy and our health? The theory that says lockdown destroys the economy and we have to open back up to get things going? Well Sweden–the one Scandinavian country that never did lock down, relying on some vague instructions, hand washing, and good sense–not only has a five times Denmark’s death rate but roughly the same economic performance.
Whether there’s a lockdown or not, it turns out that in a pandemic most people avoid public transportation, stay out of shops, and keep their kids home from school. In other words, they exercise the good sense they were advised to. The problem is that a minority will do none of that. Ten percent of the people create ninety percent of the infections.
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A while back I posted the news that Britain’s free school lunch program for the most economically vulnerable kids will be continued into the summer. It’s good news, but it’s looking a little tarnished lately. It turns out that the £234 million program was outsourced to a private company whose helpline charges £21 an hour.
It used to charge £60 an hour, but–you know what people are like–they had complaints and switched over to the cheaper one in April.
Hey, people, you’re saving–um, hang on–£39 an hour. Focus on that.
Parents and schools also complain about the vouchers being hard to use. Not all stores will take them, and at stores that do, they often don’t scan correctly so they’re unusable.
Oh, and the website leaves people waiting long stretches of time to get their coupons.
And that, my friends, is how to fuck up a free lunch.
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Scotland has had no coronavirus deaths for four days and has only ten cases in intensive care. The first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, is talking about the possibility of eliminating the disease, and at a press conference she dropped hints that they might have to test or quarantine visitors from England. She has no plans at the moment, she said, but she’s not ruling it out.
On the other hand, she didn’t do a single pushup, so what’s she worth?
Meanwhile, a spike in virus cases in Leicester has sent the city going back into lockdown, with non-essential shops shutting their doors, schools closing to most students, and people advised to stay home except for essential trips.
It’s the first of local lockdown since Britain opened back up.
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A jazz club in Paris has opened up for private concerts. They let people in either singly or in pairs if they live together. Three musicians take turns giving five-minute concerts to each individual or couple.
The concerts are free but guests are welcome to pay what they can or want.
The club’s director said the concerts “generate a kind of magic. People become very emotional. Some come out in tears.”
The grass is always greener on the other side, and I wonder whether Leicester inhabitants will travel out of the city to get a haircut and for non-essential shopping? Hmm…
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Hmm. Good question, and I wonder if anyone allegedly planning this thing thought that one through.
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Probably not! I expect lockdown will soon spread everywhere else due to this oversight, but please let me have a haircut first!
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I understand your priorities. It’s the in-between stages that are a nuisance. Once it gets below the shoulders, you can just put a rubber band around it and forget it’s there.
I hope.
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Mine grows out rather than down. Therein lies the problem…
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A year or more ago NY switched to free breakfast/ lunch for all. No questions are asked and no forms are filled out. This has gone right through the pandemic where schools are open for grab and go breakfast and lunch.
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The idea of free meals for all is a great one. No one gets singled out. On the other hand, the idea of handing the money to the families to feed their kids during lockdown both avoids bringing the kids together, which is good, and also allows parents to feed their kids what they think is right (vegetarian, halal, vegan, kosher, deep fried, all meat, whatever), or what their kids like. All great ideas if only they made the program work for the kids and families instead of for the company profiting from it.
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This is through our school cafeterias. The food is supposed to have kosher and halal approved choices. Others have donated other items to give out. An adult picks it up at a door during this no questions asked and takes what they need with them. Before this a summer program would have involved eating a meal at school. Soup kitchens and food banks are still giving out food. Many are drive up.
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I’m impressed. Would that all that weren’t necessary, but it is and my hat’s off to whoever set it up.
Over here, the food banks are struggling to keep up with the demand. I noticed (now that I’ve started doing my own grocery shopping again–I feel daring as hell) that the food bank donation spot, which used to be one small metal bin, is now two big multi-shelf units, and they’re not sitting empty. I’m impressed with people for rising to the occasion, and I’m furious that this is the best we can do to keep hunger at bay.
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Here on our little Scottish Island, we haven’t seen any cases of the virus in over three months. None. (Not exactly surprising as there hasn’t been ferry passenger service in that long.) I feel safe and don’t worry about going out to run basic errands, etc. On the other hand, our island is in an economic death spiral. A local shop owner said he’d seen less than 1% of usual sales, and that his business will fail. So this week, the shops reopened. Next week there will be (limited) ferry service. We’re all so glad people are coming, and at the same time we picture them as hordes of golf club-carrying, germ-infested, potential serial killers.
Of course, we all have a line to balance. I think of it like setting speed limits for cars. When lower limits are imposed, fewer people are killed. Clearly, therefore, the safest thing would be to lower speed limits to 5mph because of the lives that would be saved. But somehow, we manage to live with current speed limits because people and goods and Dominic Cummings need to get where they’re going. Balance. I think.
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I was about to agree until you included that line about Dominic Cummings needing to get where he’s going. We’re going to have to part company over that.
Cornwall hasn’t been as protected as your island (although there’ve been plenty of jokes about blocking all the bridges over the Tamar), but we’re also dreading the onslaught of germ-wielding visitors. My fingers are crossed for all of us.
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Sorry, I didn’t put that one very well. I think about Mr. Cummings like I do about the people who somehow feel that speed limits—whether 100 or 5mph—don’t apply to them. Or when I go to the store and people aren’t wearing masks because science doesn’t apply to them. Or when entitled potentially contagious serial killers drive across the country because they know rules are for the other, non-special snowflakes, and don’t apply to them.
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Sorry–I did hear the sarcasm in your original comment. I was the one who wasn’t clear. But I couldn’t agree more with your expansion of it.
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I can understand Boris feeling that he had to show that he is physically fit enough to run the government, but I don’t know why he chose that particular way. He used to be a cyclist, so a few miles on an exercise bike would have done it.
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I suspect that just making himself publicly visible would be enough, but if he really felt the need he could’ve taken a leaf from Trump’s book and drunk a glass of water without letting his hand shake.
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That’s one I missed.
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I missed the original incident but caught endless commentary on it. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/14/us/politics/trump-ramp-water-glass-health.html
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Health has always been an issue for leaders of governments, especially at times of crisis. That’s why Churchill’s heart attack during the war wasn’t made public and Roosevelt’s wheelchair was never photographed. Please understand that I’m only comparing Johnson and Trump with Churchill and Roosevelt because they’re the leaders of their respective governments at a time of crisis and not for any other reason.
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Understood. And very true. And then there was Reagan’s (alleged) dementia.
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Well, he was old enough for it, but that’s not something you can hide, mainly because you don’t know that you have to hide it.
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I recall working (very briefly) with someone who after getting promoted, promptly went to the pub, skulled a shot of vodka (is it sculled, like in rowing?), and did 20 press ups in the courtyard in front. I don’t think this anecdote sheds any light on what BoJo was thinking, but doing press ups publicly does seem to be a go-to thing as far as insecure, arrogant men are concerned.
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It does. Back when I was younger and sillier, I got into a pushup contest with a man, and I did a few more pushups than he could. At which point he complained that they were a great equalizer, because if you weighed less you had less to push. Which was true but irrelevant. I’m not sure what the moral of this story is. Possibly that I was as silly as him. I’d like to say I’m wiser now, but I’d probably do it again.
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As you suggest, there is no ‘right way’ to have managed this, necessarily – but out government has performed so many pratfalls, it’s like they wanted to write the textbook for the wrong way to handle such events. Countries with among the highest Covid-19 death rates, UK, Brazil, Russia, US – yes, their leadership does appear to have a certain… Male braggadocio in common.
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Hmm. Now that you mention it. Johnson clearly wants to be a world-beating something or other, and I don’t think he much cares what, but even at screwing this up there are countries that are doing it worse.
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Darn it, not even top of the table at that! But Johnson is first on one of my lists – just won’t say for what!
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Best keep that to yourself.
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A press up is clearly what this country needs from its part time leader this week. I bet those living in Leicester are feeling so much better for that….
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Yes indeed. It restores your faith in–
Wait a minute. I forget. What does it restore your faith in?
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I’d be in tears listening to jazz even without the corona input, my ears would probably bleed too.I don’t think Leicester will be the last.
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I expect you’re right. And the concerts sounded wonderful until I saw a photo of a guy with a drum set. Five minutes of a drum solo would do me in.
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Eeeek!
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Virii…Oooh
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I know, I know. Don’t I just sound like I know what I’m talking about? I’m not really sure that’s the correct plural, but so far no one’s told me it isn’t.
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When our daughter was in high school, I didn’t think it was possible to make lunch worse. It already lacked nutrients, flavor and visual appeal (she lived on french fries). Well, I was wrong. A year after she graduated, they outsourced the “food service” in the school system. Given the same amount of money (actually, a little less) and the added goal of wanting to make a profit, the only options were to cut quality, quantity and benefits for the staff. The key to success is to wait 12 years so there’s no one left in the system who remembers the “good old days” when the food was merely bad.
I’ve got to do my five push ups now.
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I’m just sitting here shaking my head. I can’t think of a thing to say.
When did that last happen?
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2003, the same year they classified Ketchup as a vegetable.
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Ah, yes. A high point in the culture. Remember thinking that things couldn’t get any crazier?
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They reversed that decision, and recently reinstated ketchup on the veggie list.
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These days it wouldn’t raise an eyebrow. We’ve so far exceeded all possible levels of incredibility that, hey, why not?
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Nice wrap up of the wonders of the. UK
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For all my sarcasm about how things are working, I really do love the place.
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I love this place my home
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Your guy Johnson sounds like just the right fellow to manage a pandemic.You know, the kind of fellow we used to say could snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Push ups. The true measure of a man in charge of the destiny of oh, so many people, who may or may not be doing push ups with him.
As for the free lunches – well, just tell the kids to push through the hunger pains.
Jesus Christ
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Yeah. To all of it. Especially the last line.
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Jazz has that effect on me, too.
Johnson hasn’t yet passed the real tests: can he drink using only one hand, and can he use a ramp?
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It’s tough, running a country. So many things to think about. So many hurdles to jump.
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Especially when you aren’t built for hurdling…
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True.
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Send the part about the free school lunch program to footballer Marcus Rashford. He seems to know how to get things done better than Johnson.
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He does. And it’s a good idea. I just tweeted the article to him. I don’t know that he’ll read it. If I were him, I doubt I’d read the stuff strangers send me, but it’s worth a try. Thanks.
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If I were in power and got this whole thing wrong, I would have the decency to resign. Unfortunately for many, we haven’t seen it happen yet, and it seems this ain’t gonna happen any time soon….anywhere.
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Which, of course, is one reason you’re not in power: too much decency.
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Ah right.
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I know. It’s a hazard.
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And that, my friends, is how to fuck up a free lunch.
Made me laugh out loud with that one. So true, so true.
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Glad to hear it. I found myself wondering how many countries and versions of English that line would translate to.
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I’d be a lot happier about his shake up of the civil service…long overdue….if it didn’t result in more delegation of the role of the state to profit grabbing charlatans. But there…the voters didn’t like Corbyn…
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Not to mention Dominic Cumming, who may or may not be profit grabbing but is definitely power grabbing. It doesn’t bode well.
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I’m not too bothered about Cummings per se…profiteering for his mates seems a normal thing these days, reprehensible though it is. He would not have the power he does if he did not represent the wish of the Tory junta to wash away the state into private hands, so he is not a lone wolf.
Did well to get rid of Sedwill, though!
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I don’t have an opinion on Sedwill himself, but if he was standing in the way of what’s going on in Number 10, I’m inclined to like him.
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Standing the way of Brexit…tried to do a deal for an extension with the EU while Johnson and Cumming were both hors de combat. Well above his pay grade, whatever one’s views on Brexit, and certainly a sackable offence, with a cushy new job and a peerage to soften the blow.
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Interesting. I missed that.
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I truly enjoyed, and grinned at, your blog post. Reading the comments was an extra bonus. And as Clive asked, can your Boris fellow negotiate a ramp? Wait, to be fair, Mr. Boris would have to salute 600 times before attempting to walk the plank, errr, ramp.
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Oh, now, don’t tempt me with that plank.
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I’ll go in with you on halves on the plank if we get it big enough for two, ah, certain (alleged competent) heads of states…
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You’ve got a deal.
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A beautiful summary of the dust-ups in Britain. Loved the idea of personalized concerts at the end. Always end on a high note! (Too punny? I take it back. Wouldn’t want to play a sour note in the comments.)
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Oh, I don’t know. I liked it. Don’t take it back.
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Anything to be inferred from the fact the The Thistle is one of the symbols of Scotland?
Never mind BoJo – I would pay money to see Dear Leader do pushups ! He’d be rocking back and forth on that belly like one of those toys that roll back up when you push them over.
Any chance Mahsa Taliefor can send over some ideas for a fund raiser for the return of the rule of law over here ?
Ten percent of the people cause ninety percent of the problems not only in Sweden…
Lord help us all. (Whatever Lord you prefer)
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My preferred lord would have to be Screaming Lord Such, who ran for office regularly but unfortunately is dead at the moment. I doubt he’ll help much, but I haven’t noticed much help coming from any other lordly departments. If you or anyone else feels there is, I won’t argue. I’m only making my own choices there.
I did give some passing thought about the symbolism of the thistle but didn’t stop long enough to connect it to the possibility of Scotland quarantining or testing the incoming English. (I expect some of them wish they’d done that hundreds of years ago.) I regularly miss some of the obvious connections in my posts. Thanks for whacking me on the head with that one.
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Pushups to prove your fitness to run the country? 🤣 Can I propose a fitness challenge between Boris Johnson and Donald Trump with the caveat that the loser needs to leave town?
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You can, but only if we redefine the geographical limits. The country? The planet? And can we talk about what we do with the winner? Because –. Well, you know. The obvious problems.
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ohh
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I know, I know.
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As bad as Boris is, he is nowhere nearly as bad as The Donald. I would pay a lot of money to see him attempt some push-ups! I guess that’s kind of mean. I regret writing it. Sort of. :)
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I agree. Nowhere near as bad. But bad enough.
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Great summary, Ellen. Spot on.
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Thank you.
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Apologies for joining this discussion so late, but pretty well the whole country already knew something, so hardly needed a further reminder, of Johnson’s capabilities at press-ups a.k.a (how can I put this delicately?) “horizontal jogging”
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You’re welcome into the discussion anytime you show up. Horizontal jogging, eh?
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The 5 minute Jazz concerts in Paris almost made me cry reading it. I can imagine people lining up to attend. Sometimes it is the little normal pre-pandemic things that you used to do that you really miss.
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Oh, I know. A pub near me had a weekly singers night that I loved. I miss it immensely. I long for the time when singing stops being a high-risk sport.
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We should have Johnson challenge Trump to a push-up contest, and televise it on pay’for-view. I bet we’d raise enough money to feed the under priveled children.
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If people could stop laughing for long enough to pledge their money.
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