It’s time to empty the search engine questions onto the kitchen table and see what Lord Google’s sent us. The questions appear here in all their oddity. And in case you worry that I’m making fun of the people who left them, I’m 99.9% sure that not a one of them stuck around to read my answers. They came, they saw, they thought, What the hell is this?, and they left.
British History and Culture
does anyone know why the british all wore those silly-looking white wigs ?
Oh, I am so glad you asked. I hadn’t gotten a decent search engine question in weeks and I’d been starting to think Lord Google had stopped caring about me. The answer is, first, yes. I know that and, oh, so much more. Most of which I won’t tell you because, having left your question, you’re gone, aren’t you? Besides, it would scare you shitless if you knew what I do. It sure as hell worries me.
But there’s a second part of the answer, which is that they liked their wigs. They took them seriously, in no small part because the wigs allowed them to look down on the wigless–the schmucks who were so poor they had to run around–publicly yet–in their own hair. Wigs were strictly for the upper classes. Think about it. Wigs weren’t just expensive, they were in style. It’s amazing what people will wear if it’s expensive and in style.
People who could afford to had more than one. Think of the wig as the Gucci bag its day. Or if you have a Gucci bag and take it seriously and I’ve insulted you–sorry–fill in the imaginary blank with any expensive style you do think is ridiculous.
Now, O person who’s no longer here, think about something you own and love that’s the height of fashion. Then think about yourself in forty years, looking at a picture of yourself and (or in) it. Think how silly it (and quite possibly you) are going to look.
That’s if we’re all still around in forty years, which is looking less likely every week.
cockwomble definition scottish
Is the Scottish definition of cockwomble different than (or from) the English definition of cockwomble? Or the Welsh, Irish, or Cornish one? I’m outside my area of expertise here –if I have an area of expertise–but that doesn’t normally stop me from sounding authoritative. So I’m going to say no, the cockwomble grew out of a kids TV show, The Wombles, which was British, not English/Scottish/etc.ish. The show grew out of a kids’ book. A band by the same name grew out of some hallucinogens.
No, I don’t know that. I’m asserting it in complete ignorance, but I do remember a moment or two of the seventies, which is what leads me to think–
And when someone comes along and tells me I’m wrong about any of that, I’ll be happy to shove over and give them the expert’s seat.
Lord Google is besieged by people asking about a link between cockwombles and Scotland. I know this because I asked him about it myself. I can’t find any reason to think the link exists, but if enough people ask eventually a link of sorts will be cobbled together.
cockwomble oxford english dictionary
I’m sure there’s a cockwomble working at the Oxford English Dictionary. There’s one anyplace with a staff of more than six. There might even be a definition of cockwomble in there somewhere. Dictionaries have gone refreshingly lowbrow these days. But what’s the question doing here instead of at the OED?
self esteem bell ringers
Y’know, I hate the phrase self-esteem. Or maybe it’s not the phrase but the idea. It strikes me as a short answer to a long and complicated question. I don’t trust it. But when you add it to something as noisy as church bells, it gets really annoying. Can we limit the bell ringing to people who don’t feel so damn good about themselves, please?
But since I slammed the question into the British Culture section–and I take these categories seriously, I’ll have you know–I’d better explain that bell ringing is a thing here. There used to be competitions. Maybe there still are.
And with that I’ve exhausted most of what I know on the subject. I’ll just sneak out quietly before anybody notices.
anglo-saxon england notes
It was your class, sweetie. You’re the one who was supposed to be taking notes.
what were debtors called in great britain
Debtors. Also things like Alfred, Harry, James– Occasionally you might get a Sarah or something along those lines, but with the power to contract debts solidly in the hands of men, that seems to have been less common.
why do we eat brussel sprouts for christmas
Because Santa’s moved on from that coal-in-the-stocking routine. Times change, dear.
berwick on tweed at war with germany
No, no, no. It’s Russia that Berwick on Tweed isn’t at war with even though a lot of people think it is. Germany? Berwick also isn’t at war with Germany, but nobody except one late-night person messing around on the internet thinks it might be.
Although I suppose Berwick can not be at war with one country as easily as with another. Or with all of them at once. With the state the world’s in, it’s good to hear of someplace that isn’t at war. Even if it’s not a country and doesn’t have an army.
perwick island still at war
Look! We’ve got another variation on the theme of Berwick not being at war with Russia.
Lord Google couldn’t lead me to any Perwick Islands, but he doesn’t insist on precise spelling and told me instead about three Berwick Islands. One is in (or off) Australia, one is ditto in relation to Louisiana, and the third to South Carolina. After that we get to Lerwick, on the Shetland Islands.
None of them are at war with anyone. Isn’t that marvelous?
I’m learning so much about how rumors start.
how to pronounce tunnel
This is a perfectly sensible question, given how badly English-language pronunciation aligns with English-language spelling. Unfortunately, this is not a sensible place. Try a dictionary, friend.
British Politics
supine stem of confiteor
This is a phrase our prime minister dropped into a speech to a bunch of blank-faced school kids, apparently in an effort to convince them that education was exciting and that they’d look back on these days as–well, who knows? The best days of their lives? A time when they’ll learn useless phrases they can later throw into a speech when they have no idea what point they’re supposed to be making?
In a career that’s long on incoherence, this wasn’t Johnson’s most coherent speech. But it did follow his pattern of being able to say stupid things in Latin. Or partially in Latin. Most of it was in English, but nobody understood that part either.
when did the uk go metric
Some time ago, in a moment of Euro-madness. Or make that several moments of Euro-madness, and I’d give you an actual date but the country crept up on metricosity in stages, giving us one date for petrol (which if you’re American is gas) and diesel, another date for certain types of alcohol, no date at all for beer, at least in pubs, because it’s still sold in imperial measures, and–well, you get the drift.
Now that we’re leaving the European Union, will we go back to our state of pre-metric innocence? Innocence is hard to recapture and I suspect the shift would be too much trouble for even the most hard-nosed Brexiteers, but I may be underestimating them. Or overestimating them. Or I may be, as a karate teacher I once studied with liked to say, overexaggerating.
Americans in Britain
baking powder biscuit in england
Outside of my house, you won’t find a single baking powder biscuit in England. You’ll find scones, which are made with baking powder, but they’re a different thing. You’ll also find biscuits, which we Americans–being the perverse creatures that we are–call cookies, and they’re generally with baking powder too, but they’re not baking powder biscuits, they’re just biscuits. Made with baking powder
Are you confused yet? Then you’re getting into the spirit of the thing.
Baking powder biscuits look like scones but they’re not as sweet.
Yeah, but what about cheese scones. They’re not sweet.
We’re leaving them out of the conversation because they’ll only leave crumbs on the floor. They’re also different from baking powder biscuits, but (other than the cheese) I can’t explain why. It’s something you just have to take on faith.
You eat baking powder biscuits like bread: with a meal, without a meal, to mop up the gravy, with butter, with jam. The only thing you can’t do with them is toast them because you’ll never get them out of the toaster in one piece.
Baking powder biscuits are a southern thing. They’re a Black thing. They’re a wonderful thing, and mostly we just call them biscuits. What they’re not is an English thing. Or (since this is probably what the question meant) a British thing. Americans are still trying to work out the difference between England and Britain. What do you expect from us? We still haven’t figured out the difference between the United States and America in general.
Questions that Defy Categorization
Britishfonot
I thought I’d include it so you’d understand how strange it gets around here. Even without my intervention. I have no idea what it means.
how to politely reject the award
You mean on those special occasions when saying, “Fuck you, this is meaningless,” just won’t do?
It’s not that hard. You start by saying thank you. Then you explain that you don’t do awards. If your reason is that they’re meaningless, you’ll want to keep it to yourself because you’re being polite, remember? If your reason is something inoffensive, you explain it. Then you get out of there while everyone’s still smiling.
You’re welcome. I’m going to start an advice blog any day now, with a side of good manners and another one of cole slaw.
amazon
Somebody asked to find Amazon and Lord Google sent them to me. That must mean I rank higher than Amazon.
Would you like a side of cole slaw with that?
does anyone know why the british all wore those silly-looking white wigs?
Ooo, I know that! It’s because hydrogen peroxide hadn’t been invented yet, but everyone still wanted to get into all the fun that blondes were having! Sadly, they couldn’t figure out how to make white wigs with black roots, which is key to having all that fun.
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They did live in grim times, didn’t they? When white-blond hair with black roots became a style, I loved the idea of making a virtue out of what had once been a fashion scandal. So yes, I can see why that’s the look they were aiming for in those wigs.
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Do you really eat brussel sprouts (only) for Christmas?
As for pronunciation, Serbian language has the easiest pronunciation you’ve ever seen. One basic rule rules – write as you speak, read as it is written. Besides, there’s no doubling of the consonants. You can learn to read it literally in a minute.
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You can learn it…
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If only English had, at some pivotal point, apprenticed itself to Serbian. I sometimes wonder what wonders we’d have time to teach our kids if they didn’t spend hour after hour after week after year memorizing vocabulary words.
And no, I eat brussels sprouts any time I like. And I do like them, but I seem to be in the minority on that. And many other things.
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It’s not so bad being in the minority sometimes.
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Been there all my life. I’d be shocked to find myself anywhere else.
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I know the feeling.
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Thought so.
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Don’t know about the UK, but the US (at least before it was the US) didn’t have spelling rules. If you read Franklin’s various writings in their original (not standardized) words were spelled how they sounded. Unfortunately that spelling changed frequently, even Franklin would spell the same words differently. Sadly, along came Webster who wanted to standardize spelling here.
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British was also a free-spelling zone for a long time. The theory is that it was standardized before the pronunciation stopped changing. I can’t swear to that. I’ve always suspected they’d gotten into some early version of hallucinogens.
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Oh, go ahead, I’ve sworn to a lot of things. Got me in trouble at work, but it feels so good to let it out.
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If we’re talking about swearing to, I’m cautious. Swearing at? I’m pretty reckless with that.
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Swear to, swear at, what’s a preposition between friends? Just let it out, you’ll feel better.
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I like Brussels sprouts and I eat them at times other than Christmas, and I am very definitely British (It’s been proven, I automatically stand in a queue and everything). I do put bacon on them though… the Brussels sprouts, not the queues…
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I’ve lived in Britain for over 14 years now–long enough to be intimidated into standing in any queue I see, even if I don’t want whatever’s at the end of it. To date, no one’s ever put bacon on me. Long may that continue.
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I don’t think I could condone putting bacon on random queuists… if they try I shall look at them sternly!!
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I feel better knowing that.
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Excellent :)
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I remember British tourists in Turkey once snapping at me when I tried to get on a bus, The queue, can’t you see the queue?
It was the the closest I ever came to feeling like a child.
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It’s funny how hard it is for people to understand that when they’re in another country things might just get done a different way. I have no idea, mind you, whether the Turks queue or mill or push…
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That’s true.
Buses function pretty much like cabs there. You raise your hand when you want to get on and tap the driver on the shoulder when you want to get off. There aren’t many rules of that sort but, interestingly, I haven’t noticed it causes trouble.
This could have been a tourist bus, in which case some think different rules apply.
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Interesting. I can imagine not knowing that and struggling to get off the bus because I didn’t know the signal.
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Just to be clear, that was by way of saying that in someone else’s country, it’s wise not to dictate other people’s behavior.
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Tourists are a special group of people.
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They are. After seeing Americans in Mexico, I remember thinking that maybe Americans just shouldn’t cross borders.
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The good think is some tourists don’t need much: a pool, disco and other young rowdy people running around half naked, which is why you’ll see them confined in resorts in Greece, and nowhere else, so you know right away where not to go.
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There’s a lot to be said for that, although I can’t help wondering why they have to travel all that distance to do that.
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They don’t think they are doing something wrong.
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Agreed. All I meant was how odd it is that people travel to other countries so they can stay within their own cultures, languages, sometimes even food groups.
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I hear you.
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I am surprised they actually confronted you and didn’t just tut!
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Ha.
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I’m sorry to have to tell you that Lord Google also sends people to me when they’re looking for Amazon. Perhaps Lord Google is, as I never say, having a laugh.
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Perhaps he is, although I’d consider the possibility that Amazon displeased him in one way or another.
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There’s always that.
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And given the number of people searching for Amazon, it’s only fair that we share this.
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They must be so confused, though, when they find us.
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Good point. I never thought about that, although now that you say it, it seems obvious.
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Probably not interesting in the scheme of things one wonders, but why has East Anglia got a Coat of Arms suspiciously similar to the Swedish triple crowns? Also, is it true that East Anglia still sounds like the English did at the time of the Increase? About which time I’m told my ancestors left Britain, via East Anglia, and did Massachusetts. And, you know, New England. (The best America.) Also, when British folk come to New England, do they immediately recognise most of the old (for us) town names?
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I can’t help with either the coat of arms or the accent. The place names, though: They’re instantly recognizable. Some of the ones on Cape Cod are from the Cornwall–Truro and Falmouth come to mind.
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Our Falmouth is a good town. There is a book I might like to hawk, called “Albion’s Seed,” by one Mr. Fischer. Speaks at length of the British composition of pre-1775 America. The first section on the Massachusetts Colony is fascinating, as it explains the lingual conventions from East Anglia which produced the Yankee accent. (Jan Kee being a popular Dutch nickname for the colonists.)
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I always thought East Anglia was full of Dutch settlers brought across the help drain the fenlands but I dont know where i got that idea from.
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What I’ve read says you’re right, the Dutch were right with the traders in England at that time. A lot of them came with the English.
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I didn’t think I put baking powder in scones… but apparently I do. Well according to several recipes online I do. I don’t have my recipe book with me so maybe I don’t… I definitely didn’t put sugar in them when I made them at school… but that was the 80s, sugar was outlawed.
(I might have made the outlawing of sugar up…although we didn’t put it in anything because my mum got shouted at by a midwife… I suspect there is more to that story but it was a while a go)
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You could easily make scones with bicarbonate of soda–what Americans call baking soda–and something acidic to start it fizzing. That would bypass the baking powder. I’m not sure it’ll stop a midwife from shouting at you or your mother. I’m sure it depends on the midwife. And the situation.
Hope that helps.
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Maybe I could mix enough bicarb with something acidic that I could scare the midwife off!
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Add a little food coloring and something that fizzes outside the oven. That should do it. Especially (Halloween’s on its way) if you dab a bit of it at the corners of your mouth.
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Dearest Ellen. Can you please send me a care package containing the pharmaceuticals you were consuming when you wrote this, some of your baking powder biscuits and a grid reference for the seemingly non-existent Berwick Islands off Australia (where rumour has it that the last of the unicorn kangaroos live).
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Sorry, Doug, but I’m pledged to secrecy on all of the above. Except for the baking powder biscuits. If you’ll promise to use it, I’ll send a recipe.
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Please do
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Imagine my surprise to find out that I already published the recipe. I should sue myself for copyright violation. Here ’tis: https://notesfromtheuk.com/2015/03/10/american-baking-in-cornwall-baking-powder-biscuits/
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Got it. On the list for this week’s big experiment. If you don’t hear from me, send St Bernards’ with lots of medicinal brandy.
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They’re standing ready.
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I’ve never heard of a cockwomble. I assume he’s a male womble or a male womble who is tuppence short of a shilling?
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With–or so someone said in a comment thread–a tendency to wander around with his hand in his trousers. But that may have been a bit of colorful embroidery on the theme of general dislikableness.
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According to Wiktionary: cockwomble (Britain, slang, derogatory) A foolish or obnoxious person. Urban Dictionary has it as: Cockwomble (noun) A person, usually male, prone to making outrageously stupid statements and/or inappropriate behaviour while generally having a very high opinion of their own wisdom and importance. (And probably engaging in the practice Ellen referred to genteelly below). I propose that the collective noun for a group of cockwombles be known as a Cabinet.
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I second the proposal.
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Yes, I always wondered aboyt those wigs…..and i always thought cockwomble was a very English term. I fist came across it on a facebook page dedicated to the Archers, and you cant get more English than that (although there are Welsh, Nortern Irish and Scottish characters in the show).
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If I live to be a hundred, I don’t expect to ever sort out the English/Welsh/Scottish/Norther Irish from the British. And that goes well beyond the cockwomble issue.
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I am safely say that you have insulted the Welsh and Scottish and some of the Northern Irish people (the unionists) there by muddling them with the English, but never mind, you are from USA and we have very little idea where anything is except NY, LA and Florida and the USA!!
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Oops. That’s almost as bad as jumping the queue, isn’t it?
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Much, much worse!
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How will I recover?
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Just say you live in Cornwall and that has confused you because they are also Celts but live in the UK.
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And some are very clear that Cornwall is not England. What continually throws me is that the British government runs England. I regularly forget who’s in charge of what aspects where–especially since the powers that got devolved are different for each nation. Y’know the person who invented English spelling? That’s the same person who thought up this system.
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That’s interesting that some people in Cornwall dont regard it as England. English spelling is crazy because it has absorbed so many words from other languages and doesnt change the spelling and that why there are so many more words in “English” than any other language 200,000 I think.
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Cornwall used to be an independent country–never conquered by the Romans–and was overrun by the Anglo-Saxons not long (I think) before the Norman invasion. It kept its language into the 17th century (as usual, don’t trust me on dates). There’s no clear line, though, between Cornish and not-Cornish, which I find interesting. I’m told you have to have four generations in the ground before you can count yourself Cornish. Cornish nationalists are distinctly a minority, but they’re around and they’re vocal.
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Looking at my New Shorter Oxford English Dictionary I do not find cockwomble between Cock-up and Cocky. How could they leave out such an important word?
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They’re failing in their responsibility to the English language. We need to do something about this, only I can’t think of anything quite batty enough to live up to the importance of the issue.
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“…innocence is hard to recapture…”
Amen, sister girl, she said with a mouth full of homemade biscuits and gravy.
Innocence isn’t the only thing that’s hard to recapture, is it? Insert honesty, reliability, loyalty, respect, kindness – they have left the building with Elvis.
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Hmm. I wonder why he wanted them and what he’s doing with them all.
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Now that’s the $64,000. question.
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After seeing the latest Trump ad, narrated by our former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley (who used to be somewhat sane and competent) we have decided there are HENwombles too.
“confiteor” ?? Has your PM been sniffing “covfefe”?
Could we get a side of fries instead of cole slaw ? Or since we’re in the UK, i guess I mean a side of “chips.”
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Confiteor? I should probably have asked Lord Google to translate that for me, but it didn’t occur to me to make some minimal sense out of that blither. I just assumed it was Latin for something irrelevant.
And yes, I think you’re onto something about henwombles. Somehow, though, it doesn’t have the same punch as cockwombles.
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And yes, a side of fries/chips is just fine. The cafe’s flexible with its imaginary food.
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That was fun!!! : D
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Oh, good. I’m always glad to hear that.
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Following on from “cockwomble” (which I’ve only been aware of for 10-15 years, so about the timeframe for a child of the Wombles era to arrive at young adult swearing+nostalgia age), I notice in recent years an extension of the [single-syllable swearword]+[comedic two-syllable animal] derisive insult. Whether this has anything to do with the prominence of certain politicians/celebrities, I couldn’t say. But you can have fun with the formula – try “gibbon”, “monkey”, “wombat” and so on with the expletive of your choice, if you have time.
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That’s wondrous. In fact, the formula explains the success of a spur-of-the-moment creation of our substitute grandchild (my life’s complicated–and interesting): fuckweasel.
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