Crime in London: a bonus post

In an effort to find material for an article, the New York Times asked  for people’s experiences of petty crime in London. Then the Times tweeted the article and nothing’s been the same since. To read the responses for yourself, you can follow the link or search Twitter using the hashtag #PettyCrime, which for no reason I understand calls up a whole different set of answers. I’ll quote entirely too many. I lost the better part of a rainy afternoon to the thread and I don’t see why you should be spared.

“An American talked loudly on his mobile in a restaurant then drank red wine with a fish course. Gave him an extra loud tut.”

“Increasingly people respond to the question ‘How are you?’ With ‘I’m good’ instead of the grammatically correct (and far more polite) ‘I’m very well, thank you.’ It’s only going to escalate.”

Only the excessively boastful and self-satisfied would respond with “I’m very well, thank you”! The acceptable answers are a) ‘not bad’ and b) ‘not too bad at all’ from which we can infer a) ‘my life is falling apart’ or b) ’I’m positively ecstatic’ “

“I fell down a flight of steps at Bank and immediately apologised for causing such a kerfuffle and holding up people’s journeys. So ashamed of myself”

“I once offered a class set of rubbers to a fellow American teacher, trying to offer some good old Limey hospitality. The response was criminally rude and the offer was declined.
I never knew pencil erasers were so contentious”

Ah, yes, friends. Rubbers are one of those things that shouldn’t be discussed with people from the opposite side of the Atlantic. On one side, they’re prophylactics (translation: birth control, as worn by the male of the species). On the other side, they’re erasers–things you use to rub out pencil marks.

“This morning, in Streatham South London, I said ‘good morning’ as I walked passed a fellow pedestrian, they didn’t say ‘good morning’ back. So rude. This will stay with me all day. Traumatised.”

“I left the house after lunch and a street-sweeper said ‘mornin’ to me.  I had to bite my lip not to correct him.”

“On the tube a young man got up and offered me his seat as the carriage was busy. I saw it as a ploy to mug me so I called the police.”

“I stood on someone’s foot on the train today, and they didn’t even say ‘excuse me’. I don’t know what the world is coming to.”

“I recently took my 10 month old daughter on the underground. She stared at people, it frightened them. She doesn’t know the code. She now lives in the north. The tube is safe once more.”

“I asked a man directions to a Burmese restaurant on Edgware Road, he pointed me in the right direction and said it would take 3 minutes to walk there but it actually took 20. Admittedly I stopped for a pint but he should have factored that in.”

“Kitten stole my croissant. Despite obvious trail of crumbs, stolen item was not recovered”

“I fear I’m responsible for a #PettyCrime as on Monday I took a crowded tube, lost my balance and ended up grabbing the arm of a fellow passenger (who I didn’t know!) in a panicked attempt to stay upright. Totally unacceptable behaviour.”

“I was in a busy pub just yesterday, I knew the gentleman a few people to my right was there before me but he was looking at his phone. I placed my order without alerting him. I haven’t been sleeping since.”

“I was blatantly blocked on escalator by a left standing tourist… I didn’t just sigh loudly but also tutted AND HARRUMPHED. To no avail. Said sightseer turned and looked at me. Obviously I apologized, moved to the right and carried on sighing. These people should be locked up.”

“I stopped to let another car pass down a narrow road. They did not gesticulate a thank  you. I have the police report if you wish for more details.”

“I was waiting for a bus recently. When it came, someone who had arrived at the bus stop after me got on before me.”

“A man got on my tube train wearing brown brogues when everyone knows a gentleman only wears brown in the country and black in town.  It was shocking”

“A close friend and I, approaching from different ends of the street, accidentally acknowledged each other outside a polite speaking distance.  I pretended I was waving goodbye and hid in the nearest shop until they were gone. We have never spoken of this.”

“I witnessed an Italian tourist standing on the left side of the up escalators at Piccadilly Circus station preventing people from walking up. Naturally I said nothing but stood close behind them seething and encouraging fellow commuters to join me in silent rage.”

“I have had entire conversations without mentioning the weather. I’ll go quietly, officer.”

“Some guy didn’t apologise to me once after I bumped into him. I was very dissapointed in that exchange and think he should be banged up”

“When I was 21 years old, I worked in a London hotel and one morning I was asked, by an American couple, how to use the microwave in the room. It was the safe deposit box.”

“A publican of fine reputation went rather overboard with an extra splash or two of Tabasco in my Bloody Mary recently. I was so flustered I nearly told him”

*

My thanks to Mardi for sending me a link to the BBC’s coverage of these outrages.

57 thoughts on “Crime in London: a bonus post

  1. I feel I could join in with this. I terrified a woman on a mobbed (sardine-like) Oxford Street last Saturday after tapping on her shoulder to advise her to zip her bag up because her purse was at the top of her bag in stealing distance! She looked traumatised. It’s tickled me all week 😆

    Liked by 3 people

  2. To be honest, the NYT article was originally about Canadians. But after a week of no responses a Canadian wrote an apology and promised to do something offensive. Two days later the Toronto Star reported of a trial to begin regarding a gentleman who failed to tip his hat to a passing woman.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. When I landed in London the customs fella warned me to beware of gangs of youths running about knifing people for sport. I didn’t see even one. I asked a man on the street for directions to the pharmacy, he told me to go the wrong way. I found the pharmacy despite his misdirection and he was standing in line there. When he noticed me he was so flustered that he ran from the shop apologising all the way, knocking over a shelf on the way. What’s with that? I asked the pharmacist but he ignored the question and looked down. What great evil did I commit?

    Liked by 3 people

  4. In re: differences as to referring to “rubbers’ – in the Former Colonies the term is also used to refer to overshoes – galoshes – short boots that get pulled on over your shoes. In the winter time, at the elementary schools, the students have to wear boots to go outside for recess when there is snow on the playground. The principal, a rather prissy sort, reminded the students of this on the loudspeaker system, until the day when he announced “Fifth grade boys, be sure to wear your rubbers.” I think the secretary enlightened him , once she recovered..

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Well, as Rudy Giuliani pointed out recently – no one got injured or killed, so it isn’t a crime, (Yes, he did say that. You can Google it. Of course he was speaking of Dear Leader.)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. “I asked a man directions to a Burmese restaurant on Edgware Road, he pointed me in the right direction and said it would take 3 minutes to walk there but it actually took 20. Admittedly I stopped for a pint but he should have factored that in.”

    I tend to agree with this complaint.

    When I was very young, my father took me with him to an appointment in the city. A man entered the elevator we were in. My father said “hi” and asked the man how he was. The man didn’t say anything. My father said, “are you stuck for an answer?” The man punched the button for the nearest floor and exited.

    Liked by 2 people

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