It’s time to review what the world wants to know about Britain.
How do we measure that? Why, by looking at what leads people to the definitive voice on all things British, a.k.a. this blog. As usual, I’ve preserved the questions in all their original oddity, including the odd spelling and the lack of question marks and capital letters. Where I’ve gotten several related (but equally odd and therefore worthy) questions, I’ve combined them.
FOOD & DRINK
make cross in sprout religious; is there a religius reason we put crosses into sprouts; english eating brussel sprouts
As we edge closer to Christmas, the flow of questions about brussels sprouts gets heavier, but they form a steady drip throughout the year. I can only assume these come mostly from British people because who else knows that brussels sprouts are as essential to the British Christmas as two desserts and eight reindeer?
The crosses at the bottom? The religious justification as I heard it (and don’t ask where because by now I haven’t a clue) is that it was to let the devil out. Or the evil spirits. That may or may not be what anybody in the past actually believed. People have a habit of working backward to come up for a reason for something they see being done.
So why did people start doing it? Probably so the stems would cook as quickly as the leaves. I used to nick the stems but haven’t bothered in years. It doesn’t seem to make a difference and if I’ve eaten any evil spirits I’m none the worse for it. But then, I wasn’t very good to start with and I’m not a fussy cook, so you shouldn’t take my word for it.
But why do the English eat sprouts at Christmas? Because they do. And because they ripen at a time when not many other vegetables can be bothered to.
In 2015 I wrote a post about this and said, recklessly, that the British eat them at Christmas because the Druids worshiped the Great Brussels Sprout. I thought I was very funny and was convinced it was a ridiculous enough claim that no one would take me seriously. Then some blogger linked to it as if it was Truth with a capital R. I still thought I was funny but had just enough decency to also feel bad about it.
In late September of this year, someone else linked to it, this time treating it as Truth with a capital U. So I’ve now prefaced the post with a health and safety warning (the British are big on health and safety warnings; the Druids really did worship them) explaining that no one knows much about what the Druids did, that the article contains a slight exaggeration, and that the writer may contain nuts.
I also sent the other blogger an apology.
The worst of it is that I still think it’s funny. Although I continue to feel bad. I’m sure that makes it okay.
do they have peeps in the uk
That has to be from an American wondering if civilized life is possible outside the borders of the U.S. of A., because Peeps are the measure of civilized life.
Peeps are bright colored, over-sugared, marshmallowy things that have been extruded from some pipe in an industrial kitchen, which forms them into vaguely chickish shapes. At least they look like chicks if your eye’s been trained to see them as chicks. They’re known for giving nutritionists conniption fits. What’s a conniption fit? No idea, but I have it on good authority that you don’t want to have one.
Twenty seconds of research tells me that peeps are sold in the U.S. and Canada. So yes, civilized life is possible outside of the U.S., but only in Canada.
Why did anybody look deeply enough into the question to read whatever I may have written on the subject? Because, people, Peeps matter.
our American beers weaker; compare alcohol content budweiser uk and canada; beer alcolohol content uk vs isa; why does beer in england taste better than usa beer?
The strength of American and British beer occupies a large portion of the internet’s collective mind. And by the time that mind goes online to research alcohol content, it’s addled by all the hands-on research it did first.
That explains the typos.
british peopme chocolate chips; leom drizzle where did it come from
These are what people want to know about once they’ve drunk all the beer in the house.
what do the british call baking-powder biscuits
For the most part, nothing: 97.6% of British citizens have never heard of them. And 93.7% of all statistics are made up. But gasp, wheeze anyway because the world contains people who never heard of baking powder biscuits. The thing is, people don’t just talk differently in different countries, they eat differently.
When I lived in the U.S., my partner and I just called them biscuits, but she’s Texan and we didn’t need to explain what we meant. Now that we live in Britain, we call them baking powder biscuits so that friends won’t expect them to be cookies, because what Americans call cookies the British call biscuits.
WEATHER
londoner never talking about weather and how miserable (x2)
There are two things the non-British think they know about Britain: 1. The place is wet, which means it’s miserable. 2. People talk about the weather and nothing else. Beyond that, I don’t know what the question means but someone does because I got it twice.
PLACE NAMES
why is worcester only 2 syllables
Given the oddities of English spelling and the even odder oddities of British place names, there’s only one possible answer: Because.
are we still called great britain
Yes, dear. It’s a geographical designation and no one’s sawed off a part of the country yet.
widemouth bay pronunciation
Widmuth.
how to pronounce river eye uk
I can’t even begin to guess, but I can tell you how to find out. First you have to locate it, which is going to be messy because there are two of them, one in Leicestershire (talk about pronunciation oddities) and the other in Scotland. The Scottish one is also called the Eye Water. And at its mouth is a town called Eyemouth.
You have to love this country. It’s weird enough to make your eyes water.
Once you’ve figured out which river you want, you have to find someone local–preferably someone without a sense of humor–and ask how to pronounce the river. If at all possible, avoid trying to pronounce it when you ask, because you’ll get it wrong. Warning: If you’ve asked someone with a sense of humor, they’ll tell you it’s pronounced “brussels sprouts” and then spend the rest of the year giggling.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
No one without a strong local connection can be trusted to do anything more than guess at the pronunciation of anyplace in Britain. I recently got an automated message reminding me that I have an appointment coming up in Tavistock, which is pronounced TAVistock. The voice pronounced it tavISStock. And Tavistock’s one of the easy ones.
british place names that sound like clothes
Sorry, but I can’t think of any. If you want kitchen appliances, though, Towster is pronounced toaster. The kitchen appliance department is straight ahead, toward the back of the store. The clothing department is hauntingly empty and needs to be filled, so if you know of any pronounced like clothes (or, what the hell, other kitchen appliances or body parts or anything else particularly bizarre), do contribute to the general weirdness by leaving a comment.
WIGS
I probably get as many questions about wigs as I do about beer. Most of them repeat the ones I’ve already quoted, but every so often a new one comes in. Including this:
attorney living with wigs with you and orange on the bishop hat
Anyone who knows how to answer that, please oh please leave a comment. I can’t do this alone, people.
BRITISH CULTURE
what do british people think of american accents
Oh, every last one of them thinks they’re fabulous. The British are known for all thinking the same thing. That’s why the two main political parties are so gloriously united.
show me a tricorn hat worn in the house of lords
I could, but it’s not nice to make fun of the sartorially challenged.
Oh, go on, then. You twisted my arm.
what does it mean when it says I hope your birthday is tickety-boo
It means someone sent you a birthday card that’s been around since the 1930s.
do british people say spifing
No. They might, just remotely, say spiffing, but you’ll go blue in the face if you hold your breath till someone does. I also get questions about spiffing. I am now Britain’s formost spiffing expert.
in what way is folk music similar to christmas carols
Well, both are music and as such involve musical notes. They also involve words. Both can be sung either well or badly but you could say that about all songs. A large part of both can be sung by people without much musical background–that’s their beauty and their limitation. They come out of a tradition where people sang because they were having a good time, or at least because they were drunk. Some people were better at it than others, but no one–originally–was a professional. Both lean toward the idea that people will join in.
Christmas carols were originally a folk tradition and for a while were looked down on for it.
Sorry to get all serious on you.
PROBLEMATIC ASSUMPTIONS
why was great britain named england in victorian times?
It happened back when the country was a teenager and had one of those identity crises that teenagers are prone to. The country thought England sounded better than Britain and hoped that would make it more popular. It changed its name back to Britain after Victoria died and it doesn’t like to talk about it now, so could we move on, please? Show a little respect here. We were all young once. And if you’re still young, you were once younger.
And no, please don’t link to that to explain how to unmuddle the names Britain, Great Britain, England, and the United Kingdom. Try this post instead.
in england, the speaker of the house is not allowed to speak
Which is why he (and at the moment he is a he) is called the speaker.
photograph of cockwomble
A womble is a creature invented for a BBC children’s show. You can hear the womble song here, and I’m sure you’ll be a better person if you have to fortitude to listen all the way to the end. I didn’t, but then I’m not a better person. It’s not, technically speaking, a photograph, since the creatures run around with tubas (have you ever tried running with a tuba while dressed in a womble suit?) and other stuff, but it’s close enough.
The cockwomble was not invented by the BBC and if you’ve been called one you were not on the receiving end of a compliment. You won’t find a photo of one because it’s not an actual thing, as in it doesn’t exist, but you can find images for cockwombles here. My favorite is the ribbon for International Cockwomble Day.
letterboxes invented in uk
Well, no, they don’t seem to have been invented in the U.K. They were introduced in Paris, in 1653. As far as I can tell, the first one in Britain was introduced in 1809.
I haven’t dug into this very deeply, so I’m not 600% sure the dates are the absolute firsts. But the world–or at least the internet, which isn’t exactly the same thing but does exist within the world–contains a pretty large group of people interested in mailboxes. Or letterboxes, which are the same thing in a different place.
I’m not sure why the wording is that they were introduced, not invented but we’ll work with it.
what is causing all the problems with letter boxes in England
It’s true that British letterboxes have been gathering in city centers late at night to guzzle beer and sing Christmas carols. Residents report feeling too intimidated to ask them to keep it down and the police haven’t taken the situation seriously enough to intervene effectively. No one knows what’s causing it. And no one knows why I put this in the incorrect assumptions section.
Don’t link to this either.
CORRECT ASSUMPTIONS
england is not britain
It took a while, but we finally got that straightened out.
why is it wrong to say we all came from britian
Just off the top of my head, I’d say it’s because not all of us did. But credit for knowing something was wrong there.
ODD QUESTIONS
puffing pants; puffling pants
I was baffled by why the phrase was leading anyone here. Other than wearing a random selection, what do I know about clothes? But it turns out that back in 2016 (remember 2016? It came right before 2017) John Evans left a comment that said, “In the recent BBC4 comedy series about Shakespeare (Upstart Crow), there was an episode in which Shakespeare (brilliantly played by David Mitchell) encounters ‘puffling pants’. Ah, life would be so much more fun if everyone wore puffling pants.”
So that explains why questions about puffling pants find their way to me. It doesn’t explain why so many people care, but I got enough question about them, with a variety of spellings, to make me wonder if humanity really should survive.
For a while, I thought they were some current style. I’m dyslexic about fashion, so be a little kind about that, okay?
See what you’ve done, John?
saudi news
I’ve made no headway in figuring out why this one landed on my doorstep. Lord Google, explain thyself.
onterage goshen ny
Ditto. But that’s probably entourage.
what is hefeweizen
Wheat. In German. Lord Google helped me out with that one, because the only German I know is gesundheit, and by now that’s English.
but he prefers keeping his private life out of the media as much as possible
I can see why he’d feel that way. Whoever he is.
coke fabric yard
I get regular blasts of this question, and I can’t resist quoting it when I review the questions that lure people into my spider web. Unfortunately, quoting it reinforces the link between the phrase and Notes. In another couple of years, I’ll be the world’s foremost expert on whatever the hell it means.
best trader joe’s meats
I’m a vegetarian and probably the wrong person to ask about this.
And with that, I think I’ve enlightened you enough for one week. Stay out of trouble if you can. It’s a very strange world out there.
That was your health and safety warning. Be healthy. And safe.
Wonderful article, thank you!
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Thank you.
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This post is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.
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My pleasure. Thanks for letting me know it worked.
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I always love these posts, and “part I’ve forgotten what” is no exception! Just spiffing, my dear! ;-)
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Glad to hear that, Jean. They’re easy posts to write and I worry that I do it more out of laziness than because they’re funny.
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I think you might have answered the ‘question’ about lemon drizzle cake. It wouldn’t have taken too much research.
People have written whole books about folk songs and Christmas carols, so well done for covering it in a few lines.
I might possibly have said ‘spiffing’ once (or twice). I might even have said it without irony.
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The only person who ever said it to me didn’t remember having used the word, which makes me think it’s not that unusual a part of the language.
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It’s a bit Bertie Wooster, so we know it, but usage does tend to be ironic.
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Now that you say that, it fits what I’ve sensed but wouldn’t have been able to put into words.
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Would you mind going back and alphabetizing this post? Maybe set up a card catalog using the Dewey Decimal system. I might need to refer to some of these answers at a later date.
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Of course! With a systematic mind like mine, the work almost does itself. I’ll post as soon as it’s done, in–oh, maybe a year or three.
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No hurry.
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Such a relief.
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The cross is in the bottom of the sprouts because that’s the only way to keep the evil things from spreading.
The scones they fed me in London tasted suspiciously like the biscuits we eat in Memphis
The electrical outlets in London were a true confuzzlement which isn’t on your list but maybe next time. LOL
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If you think the electrical outlets are confusing, you should try buying the right replacement lightbulb. Sadly, I’ve gotten too used to that by now to be truly funny about it. It borders on making sense to me.
That’s not really true. What I’ve learned to do is take out the old lightbulb and bring it into a store in the next town, saying, “I need one of these.” (Please. You always have to say please here. Multiple times.) They probably laugh after I’m gone, but I do get to go home with the right lightbulb. For a while there, we had an impressive collection of bulbs that didn’t fit anything in the house.
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Well I learnt a lot here. I never knew what a cockwomble actually looked like (just heard it used as a term of abuse). People cut crosses in sprouts? Really! Personally I avoid them (although I am also a vegetarian) but my husband thinks they are great.
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I used to cut a single line on the theory that the base needed a little help cooking. Then, as I usually do, I got either lazy or busy one day, I don’t remember which, and didn’t bother and couldn’t tell the difference. End of that tradition. Which was, surely, invented by some over-religious cockwomble.
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Well it was all news to me, but then as a non-sprout eater I wouldn’t take much interest in such things!
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I think we should start carving tiny little designs in them, then instead of cooking them find a way to preserve them for future archeologists (assuming the human race lasts long enough for there to be any) to find and struggle to interpret.
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Indeed you could fold the tiny leaves into origami-type shapes!
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And isn’t it wonderful to think that no record of our conversation will be preserved, electronic communications being the fragile things they are, so the archeologists will have nothing at all to go on.
Just from an aesthetic point of view, I do like those tiny little green leaves.
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Yes, the electronic communication will be a vast headache for archivists, no letter collections to look at! I think it already is a problem. Think of all those photos we don’t print off anymore. At least a painting some chance of being preserved for a while longer! I think that oil painting is so old fashioned that (I hope) it will never go out of fashion!
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Aren’t painters using oils anymore? And yes, there’s a lot to be said for not being in fashion.
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I do, but plenty of artists use acrylic (less messy and stinky) and some do art with their ipads!
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I’m looking for something intelligent or funny, or at least vaguely perceptive, to say in response. And I’m failing. I just don’t know enough on the subject. But it is interesting.
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I do feel a ‘cockwomble’ sounds male and so should have ‘henwimble’ as the female form. Anyhow, should anyone be looking on Google for a henwimble, now you’ll be getting them too.
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I’ll look forward to questions about henwimbles. I expect they’ll want me to explain how a noun (cockwomble) came to be conjugated like an irregular verb (henwimble). Can I refer them to you or do I have to answer that myself?
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Please do refer some people to me. I could do with anyone at all, even searchers for the unintelligible and hunters of cockwombles.
I have a lot of unintelligible and, if your searchers come, more cockwombles.
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The unintelligible seems to be popular right now. Just choose one of the government’s policies at random and consider it. Or, if you have a strong enough stomach, you can look to the U.S., which has raised incoherent to the level of high farce. Not to mention tragedy. But anyway, yes, I’ll refer ’em all to you.
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“Because they do.” That’s a great all-purpose answer.
It’s true that peeps matter, they make about 2 billion a year. I had read that there were problems at the factory, but I think that has been resolved.
So, do they make anything like baking powder biscuits in England? Because that’s a show-stopper if they don’t.
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We-ell, baking powder biscuits are cousins of scones–not the sweet ones they make in the U.S. and not what they call fruit scones here, which have raisins, but plain ol’ fruitless scones. But you know what families are like. They haven’t spoken in years, and if one shows up at a family party, the other one stays home. You wouldn’t (on one hand) put gravy on a scone–at least not twice–although you can (and I do) (on the other hand) eat either a baking powder biscuit or a scone with butter and nothing else. But you wouldn’t (on the third hand) substitute a scone for bread at a meal. So to answer you question, yes, no, and I’m not sure.
Did that help?
Two billion peeps a year? That’s horrifying. It’s also enough to cover an area the size of Wales to a depth of six inches. If it doesn’t rain.
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Would that make Wakes better or worse?
Biscuits (the ones we have) are the real reason we fought the Civil War. We in the north were afraid the south would toss a big tariff on exported biscuits and gravy.
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It would make Wales stickier. Especially after that first rain. I don’t think it’s a good idea. Really I don’t. That may be influenced by the fact that I used to work in a candy factory, but I’d argue that the experience means I’ve done my research.
Wouldn’t the biscuits have been hard and the gravy nasty by the time they got north?
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Well, yes, now that you mention it.
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attorney living with wigs with you and orange on the bishop hat
Anyone who knows how to answer that, please oh please leave a comment. I can’t do this alone, people.
Easy. “Put down the beer for two hours, then ask again.”
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Of course! The answer was right in front of me and I just couldn’t see it. Probably because it sounds like one of the answers in those Magic Eight Balls. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about? You turned them upside down, looked through a murky little window in the base, and an answer floated into just-barely-view. One of the answers was “Ask again later.” I don’t remember it saying anything about beer, although it might have been implied.
Thank you so much.
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Yeah, I’m familiar with them. They make a number of specialty ones, one was for managers. I kept one on my desk and when someone asked “How much longer is this project going to take?” I’d pick it up and read them what it said, wisdom such as, “Hard to tell”, “Come back in a month”, “Not looking good”. They’d walk away pissed, but with an answer.
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They’re probably as reliable as anything else you could have consulted.
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Dates would be easy to set if they didn’t keep changing the requirements while we were working on the project.
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They’re afraid people will become bored with their jobs if they’re too simple
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Ah, this made me laugh! Brussel sprouts are only good if roasted with sriracha seasoning or smothered in cheese and bacon. American beer is like water. And what is ‘spiffing’?! Canadians want to know–is it anything like ‘spiffy’?
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Spiffing: adjective, informal, dated. Excellent; splendid. “it’s a frightfully spiffing idea”
The sentence isn’t mine; Lord Google provided it. You should leave him an offering of data. Any data. He’s not particular.
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It’s a very Bertie Wooster sort of word.
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I always thought quartering brussels sprouts was done to ensure even cooking.
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I’m sure it was, and then it got an overlay of religion. The human mind’s a weird thing.
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One of your better efforts. Had me gigging all the way through.
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What an interesting post! British place names do make my eyes water!
So, if a tourist asks you for directions to Mouse-hole, would you know he means Mow-zel?
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Oh, absolutely. As far as I’ve been able to figure out, everyone knows the spellings are insane and nobody’s so acclimated that they look at Mousehole and think that any reasonable English speaker would pronounce is Mow-zel.
That’s not to say I wouldn’t have a good giggle over it.
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But I suspect that any reasonable Cornish person would instinctively pronounce it Mow-zel, because that’s just how the Cornish Dialect sounds. And given the number of place name in Cornwall with Z (zed/zee) in them, why not add some more Zs in place of the Ss?
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I can’t argue with that, although I’m fairly sure I should. Or that someone should.
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Get a Cornish person to do it! I’m a little bit Cornish but not enough to matter.
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I’ll ask around.
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>puffing pants; puffling pants
We have to blame Ben Elton, the writer of Upstart Crow, for this.
It returns a good number of pages in Google search, and in a Duck Duck Go search too.
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The question, then, is how many pages they had to go through to wander here. Not to mention why they bothered.
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