Rumors

Walking the dog to the store for the paper this morning, I saw I. and R. standing in the shade of a hedge, catching each other up on who knows what—I was too far away to hear. They talked for a while and parted ways, I. heading down a side road to her house and R walking in my direction.

When we passed, he said, “No papers today.”

I asked if they’d be getting them in later, but he didn’t know. He’d heard it from I. and turned back.  We complained for a while about the distributor the store uses, because this happens a lot, and often, he said, the stores in the next village gets its deliveries.

Lupines--in bloom right now.

Lupines–in bloom right now.

Okay, we weren’t complaining about the distributor. We were complaining about the store, for using them.

I had a magazine to drop in someone’s mailbox, so I didn’t turn back, and on the way decided to go to the store anyway, to ask when they expected the delivery. I debated whether to ask for today’s coupon and drive to the next village and buy the paper there. (Newspaper subscriptions, at least out here in the country, involve coupons, which you can either present day by day, anywhere you like, and which give you a discount but no guarantee that the store won’t have run out, or leave with the store, which will then set your paper aside.)

I still hadn’t decided when I got to the store and asked when the papers were expected.   They looked at me blankly.

“We have yours,” they said, and asked who told me they didn’t.

I reconstructed the whisper chain.

“It’s only the Express. R. gets the Mail. We have that.”

And that’s the way word gets around the village. We have no secrets, but have a whole lot of misinformation.

National Insanities

What’s it like living abroad? Every country has its own brand of insanity, but it takes a long time before it seeps into you. I moved here late in my life, so I’ll never understand British craziness the way I understand the American version, but there’s something great about being an outsider. It means you can see a country’s oddities in a way you can’t when you share them.

Sinking-of-ship-cazador-1856 (1)

In 2007, a ship wrecked off the south coast of Devon and its cargo washed up on the beach. (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1540307/Police-to-clamp-down-on-beach-scavengers.html) It looked nothing like the picture I’ve posted, but there’s a connection, because following ancient local traditions, which date back to the days of sailing ships, everyone for miles around helped themselves. This is called looting if you’re not participating and not letting things go to waste if you are. So far, so logical. But part of the cargo was a container of motorcycles, and instead of pushing, shoving, and grabbing for them, the looters (or non-wasters if you prefer) formed an orderly line and waited their turn. Nobody but Wild Thing and I thought that was funny until we pointed it out, and even then I’m not convinced they weren’t just humoring us when they laughed. Because nothing is more important to the British than forming an orderly line. Except, maybe, calling it a queue.

English Cooking: Baked Beans

English Cooking: Baked Beans

The English aren’t known for their cooking. Or they are, but not in a complimentary way. And I’ll admit they have some odd habits, one of which is eating baked beans on toast. But who am I to criticize? I grew up begging my mother to buy a kind of white bread that I could, and did, squish down to the size of a packing peanut. Which hadn’t been invented yet, but I was ahead of my time. And yes, I did eat it. She’d never have bought it again if all I did was squish it. And I’d have sworn it was good, so I know first-hand that there’s no accounting for taste.

Still, it throws me to see an adult sit down to a plate of baked beans on toast and, with every sign of pleasure, eat it.

Beans on Toast. Really.

Beans on Toast. Really.

But that’s not all that happens with baked beans around here. You can buy a baked potato topped with baked beans. (Or with cheese, or cole slaw, or curry, or roast vegetables, or shrimp, which are mostly called prawns unless they’re small, even for shrimp. And the potatoes are called jacket potatoes.) A full English breakfast includes baked beans, not to mention a grilled tomato. A single can of baked beans includes enough salt and sugar to cover Wales to a depth of half an inch. In spite of which, people eat baked beans in industrial quantities and live to ask for more, and why not? They’re full of fiber, which for all I know mops up the salt. Half the canned vegetable aisle is taken up with baked beans. I’m sure there are all sorts of subtle differences among the brands, but I’ll only do just so much in the name of research, and tasting them lies on the far side of an extremely thick dividing line.

The Life in the U.K. Test

British_Flag (1)It was 2006 when Wild Thing and I left Minnesota for a village in Cornwall. It’s ridiculously beautiful and it’s also—well, British. And we’re American. Actually, by now we’re both British and American, but we’ve been Americans for a lot longer than we’ll ever be British, and these things don’t leave you.

When we applied for permanent leave to remain in the UK, I had to take the Life in the UK test to prove that I was fit to stay. Or maybe what I had to prove was that some ministry or political party was sufficiently tough on immigration to appeal to the anti-immigrant vote. The test is silly, but politics makes people silly. Wild Thing is eight years older than I am and didn’t have to take the test. If you’re past a certain age, you can keep your foreign ways without threatening the country’s integrity. Or something along those lines. The logic of it got lost in the twists and turns of some politician’s brain and if you think about it too much it’ll only upset you.

I bought a government booklet about the test and studied it. Since I worked as an editor before I retired, I couldn’t help tracing through the book’s logic, and I’m prepared to testify that there wasn’t much. A part of it explained how to deal with officialdom, and that was theoretically useful, although by the time I had to take the test life had taught me most of it, as I expect it does to other test-takers. It included information on emergency phone numbers, libraries, the National Health System, that sort of thing. But sandwiched in with that were pages and pages of data: what proportion of the population belonged to which religion, for example. I think I’m right in remembering that Jedi had enough adherents to show up on the list. The patron saints of England, Wales, Northern Ireland, and Scotland, and the days on which they’re celebrated, which are no longer official (and are barely unofficial) holidays, so the information is of no earthly use. I suppose if you belong to a religion that believes in saints you could argue that it’s of some unearthly use, but I don’t know if calendar dates remain relevant in heaven, should such a place turn out to exist. But I duly memorized them, and they weren’t on the test. I have now duly forgotten them. (The test is computerized and the questions vary; not everyone takes the same test. So someone somewhere may get asked about them.) The populations of England, Wales, Northern Ireland, and Scotland. Since there’s nothing involving numbers that I can’t screw up, I spent a lot of time on this and forgot every bit of it ten minutes after the test, which is okay because, unlike the religions, which were in percentages, these were in absolute numbers and  will have changed by now. Although, come to think of it, the religious percentages may have as well.

They also had a list of popular sports. Cricket, which I would have thought was the most British of British games, wasn’t included, maybe because the game takes so long that none of its followers had time to respond to a survey.

Sports weren’t on the test. The only question I still remember had to do with the television license—something along the lines of whether people renting a room in a house would have to pay for a separate television license if they had their own set. The television license pays for the BBC and is, essentially, a tax dedicated to that specific use. Think of it as a toll booth, only it’s not on the highway, it’s on the TV set and pays for the programming, not the road.

All that mess about populations and saints’ days? As far as I know, it’s either in there either to fill out the pamphlet or to distract applicants from learning the information they’ll actually need.

It’s a hell of a way to welcome a person to the country.

 

Fighting to Stay

In 2009 my partner, Wild Thing, and I almost got thrown out of Britain. Not for any failure to adapt, although when people here complain about immigrants sooner or later they get around to foreign habits and languages, which make them uneasy. But we speak English, in a reckless, American sort of way. And we not only drink tea, by mid-afternoon we’re convinced that the world’s rotation has slowed and can only be cranked back up if we dunk a teabag in very hot water and add milk. Admittedly, when it looked like we were going to be thrown out of the country, we were as loud and brash and American as we’d ever been, but already Wild Thing had started to say GARE-age instead of grr-ADGE. And if we didn’t listen to The Archers—BBC radio’s popular and endless rural soap opera—we’d heard enough conversations about it to nod significantly and ask, “But what will happen to Rory?” (Answer: Haven’t a clue. He seems to have disappeared. For all I know, he moved to Minnesota.) We helped collate the village newsletter, which dunked us, like the teabag in the last paragraph, into the hot water of village gossip. (And no, I’m not going to repeat any of it. I live here. I want to keep on living here.) I could even make a decent cup of tea.

passportsWe moved here with visas in a category that should have led to indefinite leave to remain, but they had to be renewed. Trusting that the category we were in was safe and that—well, the truth is we didn’t stop to think about what we were trusting; it all looked simple—we burned our bridges, bought a house, and built a life. When it came time to extend the visas for the second time, we weren’t worried.

Silly us. We hadn’t reckoned with rule changes, and with the dislike of immigrants that’s swept the developed world. The government was on the defensive about the number of immigrants coming into the country, and it had reconfigured the rules so that fewer people would be eligible to stay. Our original category included writers, artists, and musicians. Now, though, artists, musicians, and writers weren’t worth encouraging, although sports figures (who were, weirdly, in the same category) still were, as long as they made enough money. Those of us who’d come in under the old rules were given a window of time during which we could apply for extensions, but guess what? They didn’t tell us. They didn’t tell anyone, so by the time we applied for our extensions it was too late. The window had been slammed shut and bricked over. Besides, we hadn’t said “Mother, may I?” (Or where I grew up, “Captain, may I?” And since I’m nowhere near where I grew up, no one in my writers group has heard of either phrase and want to know what I’m talking about.)

I’ll spare you the details, as my mother always said before she told me the details. The short version is that we ended up with more lawyers than cats (we have two cats, and they eat less than your average lawyer, although so do we, so I shouldn’t complain), and they prepared us for an appeal hearing in Newport, Wales. That’s the lawyers, not the cats.

The time leading up to that hearing was achingly awful. We’d built a life here, and we were looking at losing it. We reminded ourselves that many people whose lives ran afoul of the immigration rules face torture and death if they get thrown out of the country. We’d be safe, but we felt grim all the same.

One of the things that helped us through that time was the village we live in, and the people who live here. It’s a small village on the north coast of Cornwall, where we, umm, stick out a bit but where we’ve been accepted all the same. Every day or two, someone would ask us how the appeal was going, or wish us luck, and it was amazing how that support buoyed us up. A friend circulated a petition supporting our appeal. Neighbors and friends wrote letters of support. The parish council (a parish is the smallest level of local government) passed a resolution of support that we would never have thought to ask for. All of that became part of our appeal. A neighbor said he’d prayed around all sides of our house for our protection. That wasn’t part of our appeal and I’m not religious, but I do believe in goodwill, and I was, and am, deeply moved. A friend offered to organize a busload of people to attend the appeal, but our barrister vetoed it. (Lawyers here come in two flavors: barrister and solicitor.) The hearing rooms are small, he said, and the judges don’t like to feel pressured. But the fact that someone wanted to do that meant a lot.

Three people came up to Newport to testify for us, and two more came as support. The hearing was, by the standards of the British courts, informal, meaning nobody wore wigs or gowns, but it felt formal to me, with lots of your honors and the barristers calling each other my friend. One of our witnesses who knows court process and, more to the point, knows us, warned us beforehand: no swearing, no talking, no whispering, no reading. The government’s lawyer didn’t bother to present an argument—he just sat there looking lumpish and depressed— which convinced me that the government uses appeals as a way to filter out anyone who can’t afford a busload of lawyers. It’s all about numbers: The more people they get out of the country, the better they think they look.

We’d been told we wouldn’t know the judge’s decision until we got a letter in the mail, but at the end of the hearing the judge said he didn’t know what grounds his decision would rest on (our lawyer, who was wonderful, had given him several) but that we had nothing to worry about. Wild Thing turned to us and said, “Holy shit!”

She swears she was whispering, but they could hear her all the way to Cardiff. We got to stay anyway.